Bromley's Big Birdhouses

'OI!' you rudely say, interrupting my quiet cup of tea and lembas, 'That's not a birdhouse. It's the lovechild of a swimming pool and a spyhole'.

Well, yeah, it is. But it's for charity, and as we all know, that pretty much excuses anything. Except the time I turned up to the Elves' Charity Council Cake Sale with my homemade Leaf Lembas, and half the elflings got food poisoning from my efforts. But that's another story.

Anyway, this lovechild is the work of Becky Adlington, called 'Pool'. No, not poo. That's what pigeons leave on your car. Right now. Go and check.

Ha? You checked? I knew you would.

So - the gist of this is that famous people paint these ginourmous birdhouses, and then auction them off. As I understand it, not a single actual bird is going to buy one of these - shocking. It's like when people from abroad buy all our treehouses, then leave them empty, leaving native elves scrimping and saving, and then living in a box.

Shocking.

But at least we get to look at them. And very pretty they are too.

Yeah, that's a shark. On a birdbox. Painted to look like water.
And it's done by Steve Backshall, who is clearly nifty with a paintbrush, but is perhaps a little confused. I mean, he wants to save sharks, so puts them on a structure which will be on a treetop? Humans. I'll never understand them!

And here we have a traditional human sacrifice, once a year, when a large blue butterfly is offered up to the House of Black. A loud voice booms from the opening in the facade, and announces good harvests for the following 12 months. Not really. I made that up.

 It's actually the 'House of Flight', by George Clarke, but that's not half as exciting.

And here's new Government policy. With energy prices rising, and oil running out, the Winter Insulation Policy Guidelines state that all homes must be covered in multicoloured fur to keep them warm. The colours also help visibility from the road, thus saving the government millions of pounds in street lighting.

This prototype house, soon to be seen on every street near you, was designed by Jo Whiley.

And here's my favourite by far. It's by Konnie Huq, and depicts my childhood home, before I was whisked off to do stupid tours around London by some human. Alas for the trees of yore.

And the other side of this beautiful box depicts my revenge, when I marshal hordes of aliens to attack Planet Earth, and give Britain even worse weather than it's currently experiencing.

Finally, a plea. Give Nature a Home by the RSPB. That, by the way, includes wandering elves. Here's the RSPB website, and if you want to look at these homes for yourself, and possibly find that I may or may not have fictionalised some details in my picture descriptions, here's the Intu Shopping Centre's website here.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis

Hidden London: the New River Walk

'O', you cry, arms raised aloft in wonder, 'this can't be London! It's all so...........green'.

But I assure you, dear readers, that I am not deceiving you.

And here is the sign to prove it: Islington's New River Walk.

It's not actually new at all. It was opened in 1613 to be an artificial waterway to provide London with drinking water. Now it serves as a lovely oasis away from the hustle and bustle of the city.

I recommend going on a sunny day, not too warm, to enjoy the walk and the effects of sunlight through the leaves and water features. The walk also passes near to several shops, so you can even stop for refreshment along the way.

The path is paved, so it's an easy sort of ramble (unless you fall in the river, in which case, things might get a little difficult).

This is a little installation to keep an eye out for - it's a city for birds! I won't tell you exactly where it is, so as not to spoil the surprise, but it's quite easy to miss, so I'll tell you that it's fairly near the fountain.

There are also several benches to sit on, which is what I'll do now, and enjoy some lembas sandwiches whilst the sun shines.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis

Game of Thrones-esque wildlife

So. You're sitting in St James's Park, enjoying your ice cream and telling yourself that it doesn't break your diet rules because ice cream is, after all, mostly ice, and reading a novel of doubtful intellectual value.

Life is bliss.

UNTIL THE GIANT CROW COMES.

'Excuse me,' you splutter politely, 'is that a euphemism?'

Absolutely not, you disgusting elfling. It most certainly isn't.

You've been watching far too much Game of Thrones.

But anyway, if giant crows are your kind of thing, and you want to do what Bran Stark does without all the polar trekking, then go to St James's Park this instant, because with visitor number soaring due to the warm (in Britain, warm means anything above freezing point) means that there are plenty of tourists and lunchers merrily feeding these giant birds of doom.

You have been warned.

Till next time,

Elf Dryadalis

When the sun begins to sink in the sky...

Hi there! Can you see me? No?

That's because I'm trying my hand behind the camera today. With a little bit of aid from my human, I'm learning photography.

The problem is, I keep on missing the subject, and taking photos of everything around it for miles - just not what I'm shooting!

So my human suggested that I try and photograph the sky.

'You can't possibly miss that', she said, with a slight note of exasperation (we had, after all, been practicing for the whole day).

Cue a whole ream of photos of the ground.

(I kept dropping the camera.)

And finally, as the sun was beginning to set (and my human was rather unsubtle in punctuating the conversation with yawns), I took this photo.

I know I have lots to learn about taking photos (and keeping a hold on the camera), but even my cackhanded approach creates a pretty picture!

I think it's because the cloudiness of London skies means that when the sun is setting, there's a lovely glow to them.

You can't yawn at that.

Best,

Elf Dryadalis

How I do like to be beside the seaside: Brighton

'Wait!', I hear you all cry (okay, I don't, but you get what I mean), 'you're meant to be having adventures in London. Why is there the sea behind you, pebbles rather than pavements, and above all, why isn't it RAINING?'

I must confess, ardent readers.

I'm taking a nice day off, at the beach in Brighton, and behind me, that thing which looks like an octopus with serious designs on world domination is actually the remains of the West Pier, which was burned down in a series of fires during 2003, and is now completely cut off from the shore.

This is the life!

Help a giant shrimp's got me oh my word why me why me how do I escape its pincers it was nice knowing you all DON'T JUST STAND THERE DO SOMETHING!!!!!

Oh, hey.

I'm alive.

And the pink threat is actually an advertisement for a seafood shop.

It's fine.

After my narrow escape from the Claws of Doom (another story to tell the grandelflings) I now brave my digestive system with some oysters. Yum.

I survived this, too.

What does not survive, however, is my perfectly coiffed hairstyle. The sea breeze is legendary for being refreshing, but what will be refreshed is my supply of hairspray. In the meantime, I'll just start a new trend - it's kind of a cross between Elton John, that dog from the Dulux adverts and the kind of brush you buy from the pound store. You saw it here first.

I am, of course, just about to saunter along Brighton Pier, which possesses lots of seaside amusements, like the ubiquitous Coconut shy, and the stay-on-the-bull-for-as-long-as-you-can ride. There's also an amusement arcade in the middle, which offers both respite from the wind and the chance to spend a ridiculous amount of money in the form of 2p coins, which will be mysteriously vanished by those slot machines.

In the queue for these fish and chips, the guy in front of me only ordered chips. The storeholder asked why he was placing such a small order, and the guy replied, 'Because I just gambled away £5 on the slot machines!'.

So be warned, young elves. Spend too much money on trying to win money you can't possibly win, you'll be short of cash. And I will not give you extra to buy more lembas. Elvard, if you're reading this, this paragraph is for you. Don't even think about getting the strawberry-flavoured ones. You're too fat already.

Oi, you! Want some of my fish?

Time for a post-snack lie-down. So comfortable. It even has some chic decoration along the side, kind of retro-style, which says, 'Signal Cannon Chain Pier 1822 - 1896'. I haven't a clue what that means but I assume that's one of the life-affirming quotes you get on the side of whimsical pillows etc.

*BOOM*

*cough*

*cough*

Oh, hey.

WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN ME?

Oh well. Saves me walking back down the pier, I guess.

Oh yeah, and some lovely humans from Experian UK were handing out free 'frisbees'. I have no idea who Fritz the Bee is, but hey, he's cool, and makes a nice plate too.

Fritz the Bee also doubles up as a swimming pool, for when I get home, and rather regret leaving behind the seaside at all.

That's all for now,

Elf Dryadalis

Yup. Even if you visit in summer.

So. You've heard about the infamous weather in London. You've checked out all the weather forecasts, and even done it like a local and checked the BBC website for the latest weather warnings.

Naturally then, you book to go during July/August, when the weather (as your exhaustive research tells you) is at its warmest, sometimes even over 20 degrees celsius.

You check out the fashion trends, learn that Londoners don't really do a head-to-toe matching combination, and go for something that's a little quirky, but comfortable too. Just like a local.

In your t-shirt, shorts, walking shoes (plus - clever you - spare pullover because you know it can get chilly) you saunter down London's Oxford Street, shopping bags bulging, looking like you've lived there all your life.

Then this happens.

No, no, not that an elf pops up and photobombs your picture of a taxi.

I'm talking about the rain.

Check out this quiz below. I'll call it the 'How Do You Cope With London Rain' quiz. It's a quiz about....oh. you already guessed it. Fine. Clever clogs.

Q1. It starts raining heavy drops of water, but only the occasional droplet actually hits you. You:
a. Know this means trouble. Dive for shelter.
b. Carry on walking. It's just drizzle.
c. Sigh, get out your umbrella and hold it loosely in your hand, just in case it turns into something worse.

Q2. It's now a torrential downpour. What do you do?
a. Curse.
b. Laugh and get out your camera. This will be hilarious on Facebook, and you'll dry off quickly, anyway.
c. Get out your umbrella, and carry on walking as though you're not being pelted with industrial amounts of H20.

Q3. The rain's stopped! What's your course of action?
a. Get out from under cover, and stomp moodily to your destination.
b. Look remarkably surprised.
c. It's stopped raining? Didn't notice. Oh well. Umbrella away then, in the plastic bag you carry around just for this purpose.

If you answered mostly:

a = Good morning, sunshine. You've stayed in London way, way too long. Time for a break - preferably somewhere where the sun does shine for more than an hour at a time.

b = Welcome to London; I admire your bravery, O Tourist. Just know that an umbrella is an absolute must, even if it's a sunny day - heck, even if the weather forecast says it'll be sunny all day. Oh yeah, and if you answered 'b' for Q2, you won't dry out for the rest of the day. London rain is freezing, even in summer. And you can write off your shoes as well. They won't dry for a week.

c = You're probably a native. You know that the weather is more changeable than a celebrity's latest boyfriends, and moan about it to your friends, but secretly enjoy the unpredictable climate.

Best, my soaked friends,

Elf Dryadalis

Encounters with a giant ice cream

As you'll know if you live in the UK, the recent weather has been extremely warm (in London terms, that generally means above room temperature). So how better to enjoy the heat than eat something that'll make you feel cold?

Come on. You know it makes sense.

Somehow.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I went down to Regent Street for the last of the 'Summer Streets' events, where the whole street is pedestrianised and humans drift across the road like dodgem cars. Now everyone was drifting around like fat dodgem cars, due to a well-timed promotion by Magnum.

Aside from being a hipster-worthy alternative to a safety island, the giant ice cream (which I believe was fake, otherwise there would a small menagerie of children hysterically clinging to its surface) also invited people to have a magnum dipped right in front of them!

That's so cool. It's like those fresh food stores abroad where you can see your live chicken being killed and diced right in front of you.

If you look to the right of the giant lolly stick, there's a seriously long queue of people. And I didn't join in. I generally get crushed by humans who fail to notice me, due to my diminutive size.

So I'll just leave you with another picture of satisfied humans, gold Magnum balloons and 2 clouds in the sky which look like potential UFOs.

Laters,

Elf Dryadalis

Summer Streets at Regent Street

Hello there! In case you're wondering what to do now that the weather's so nice, why not take advantage of the temporary pedestrianisation of Regent Street? I often go there, since there's a toyshop there (I do like to catch up with my family every so often), but it's usually full of cars and buses. Every weekend in July, elves and humans not in cars can walk around in Regent Street without worrying about being flattened by buses, since stores have been set up in the road itself!

There are flowers in the road too. Look, here's an 'R' for 'Regent Street'! I'm glad they didn't try and spell out the whole street name, though, or it would have been most uncomfortable for hayfever sufferers!

The street is very long, so I've taken a minute to sit down on a haystack (found also in the middle of the road. Naturally.) and a Regent Street Guide, which is given away free at information points. The guide itself would make an excellent souvenir!

There are lots of events too. The Big Dance was here last week, operating from an old-style Routemaster bus. The dancing itself, however, took place in a little fenced-off area just in front of the bus, presumably so that any passing ticket inspectors wouldn't have a fit.

Oh, there was one car on the road, but thankfully it was stationary. It sells ice cream - it was there last week, and today I went too and it was still selling ice cream so it's probably there every weekend in July. It's right outside Liberty, the department store which has a very old-style shopfront just off Regent Street, and is most famous for selling fabrics and luxury goods.

Icebar London had two dogs to drum up attention. This picture is a bit blurry because I was trembling rather a lot. The dog behind me was absolutely massive, and probably counts the direwolf as a close relation.

Those brave humans behind me were happy to stroke him, but I'm fine. Really. No, you go ahead and stroke him too. I'll just stay here.

Phew. And I'm just off to Godiva to get some ice cream to help calm my nerves. Nothing like chocolate ice cream to calm the nerves.........at least that's my excuse.

See you around,

Elf Dryadalis

p.s. I'm now also on Twitter. What do you call a tweeting elf? A Tweetelf? A Twelfer? Follow me, if you like, at @ElfDryadalis !

Southbank: Woodland Garden

You might remember my previous post on Southbank's secret rooftop garden. It's a really cool space, full of little nooks and crannies to explore. I would advise all elves and their human friends to walk round to the other side of the garden - there are many larger plants here, like this purple puffy one which had many bumblebees around it, and also a way to the Woodland Garden!

Here's the tunnel which leads out of the secret rooftop garden. There are vines climbing eagerly all over the tunnel, and it's so surreal - like something out of Alice in Wonderland. It feels like you've become a miniature elf and got stuck in a hedge. You know what I mean.

This intriguing little sign invites us to 'cross the bridge to see what's growing in our Woodland Garden'. Well, I'd be pleased to accept! As you can see from the bottom right-hand corner of the picture, there are even a few plants growing on the concrete bridge itself!

After all that walking, I'm a little tired. It's a good job, then, that in the Woodland Garden there's a set of stools and a little table to relax at! In one of my rebellious moods, I decided to climb onto the table for my 'elfie. There's a pair of sunglasses sitting on the table too. I think those must have been left by a previous explorer. I left them there, in case the owners retraced their steps to find them.

I am well camouflaged amongst all these slender tree trunks! It's a very odd atmosphere, since the wood is real, yet the grass underneath is carpet disguising itself as grass, and there's a ceiling overhead. Add the sunlight bursting in from behind, and it's an oddly mystical, complex environment.

I'm going to climb in and out of these tree trunks for a little while now.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis

The skies over London: an ever-changing cloudscape

It's well known that if you're going out in London, it's best to take an umbrella. London's also famous for having constantly changing weather - almost guaranteeing that if you do take out an umbrella (since the TV weather humans have said that it'll rain), the day will stay dry!

This is one of those days. Look at those beautiful wispy clouds behind me - it's one of those cloudscapes where I could watch the clouds go by for hours!

Visiting between late June and late August generally means that you'll see some sun, with temperatures in the low twenties (Celsius).

But naturally, the weather in London isn't quite so obedient as to stick to those guidelines! If you see these looming grey skies above your head,

1) Get out your umbrella.....
2).......which you probably forgot if the sky's looking like this
3) Take in the washing - there's going to be a crazy downpour!

The rain is both hard to predict, yet almost certain. How? Well, it's bound to rain. Probably just when a family barbecue's been arranged, or the picnic's been set, or the weather forecast tells everyone to break out the suncream because there's going to be a heatwave.

Once it rained when I was at the beach. I would have been drier if I'd jumped in the sea.

Yet what's hard to predict is how long the rain will go on for - clouds like this can either mean it'll rain all day, or for just a 5 minute burst, just enough to get everyone soaked!

Oh, and this photo was taken just a few seconds after the grey-skies one above, just of the skies on the other side of the road. It looks like the sky's trying to disguise itself as a Constable painting - all the blending of colours and lights.

If you're wondering whether this means that it rains on one side of the road, but stays dry on the other, yes! This does happen - sometimes it's even more dramatic, for example when on one side the sun's out with blue skies like in the first photo, and on the other, there's heavy rain with leaden skies.

Well, I'm not going to take any more chances today - I'll just nip inside!

Best,

Elf Dryadalis