Chinese New Year 2016

‘Where have you been, O Elf?’, you ask breathlessly, ‘we have awaited your latest blog post with bated breath, and can hardly contain our anticipation.’

Relax, my avid readers. Yes, I know you are avid readers; the internet is clearly so keen on your musings that my hit counter remains low in the spirit of the slave who was hired to mutter behind the Roman Emperor, ‘Remember, you are mortal’. So kind of you to help my feet stay on the ground in this heady blogosphere.

So onto one of Elf’s favourite times of year: Chinese New Year. Now, I’m not Chinese (I am Elfglish, thank you), and this is not my New Year. But as anyone who’s had a takeaway or Dim Sum will know, one thing the Chinese have spot on is FOOD.

Thus, I’m celebrating their New Year, and eating their food, and joining in their revelry.

Now, anyone who knows anything about celebrating Chinese New Year in London knows that the only place to go is Chinatown.

 And it seems everyone knows.

Hold onto your children, personal possessions and pet dog. This place is unbelievably crowded. The official entertainment didn’t start till 10am, but by half nine, the streets were packed. And when I tried to get through at 11am, I literally, despite my height and ability to squeeze through small spaces, got trapped. No one was able to move; someone had had the bright idea to use metal barriers to stop people wandering onto the road where the procession was, with hardly any gaps. A good idea in principle, but for people trying to simply walk up the street, this was impossible as all the streets cross each other – meaning you couldn’t cross any roads at all! In the end, a burly human lifted up one of the barriers and we were able to cross the road.

Luckily, because I had gotten there so early, I was able to have a little peek at the stores before everyone got packed like elves in a eucalyptus tree (mmm. Those trees smell so good. But that’s for another time). Every year, you can expect some staples: toys shaped like this year’s animal (2016 is the Year of the Monkey – when is the Year of the Elf going to be?! I know. EVERY YEAR.), those little twisted bits of paper that make crackling noises when you throw them on the floor, and paper dragons that expand and contract and are really quite ingenious.

Takeaways are always absolutely packed during this time of year, so I didn’t even try to get a table (besides, I cannot control myself when it comes to the buffet). However, there are some delicacies everyone should try during this food-filled time of year:

-          Sugared fruits – get them from any Chinese supermarket from late January onwards. They have things like coconut flakes and lotus seeds, covered in a serious dusting of sugar, like the old Frosties before they tried to look more health conscious. The belief is that by eating sweets, the consumer will have a ‘sweet’ year.

-          Nian gao – my human made this for me (using the recipe here) and I had three slices. I then had to lie down for a very long time, as this stuff is seriously filling. The words ‘nian gao’ simply mean ‘year cake’, but also sounds like the word for ‘every year taller’ so everyone’s eating some to try and grow. At least for knitted elves, it doesn’t work. I’ve tried.

-          Pomelo – it’s like a grapefruit on steroids, but more sweet and less sour. What’s not to love?

I’m just going to have a little lie down now and try to sleep all this food off.

Till next time,

Elf Dryadalis

Game of Thrones-esque wildlife

So. You're sitting in St James's Park, enjoying your ice cream and telling yourself that it doesn't break your diet rules because ice cream is, after all, mostly ice, and reading a novel of doubtful intellectual value.

Life is bliss.

UNTIL THE GIANT CROW COMES.

'Excuse me,' you splutter politely, 'is that a euphemism?'

Absolutely not, you disgusting elfling. It most certainly isn't.

You've been watching far too much Game of Thrones.

But anyway, if giant crows are your kind of thing, and you want to do what Bran Stark does without all the polar trekking, then go to St James's Park this instant, because with visitor number soaring due to the warm (in Britain, warm means anything above freezing point) means that there are plenty of tourists and lunchers merrily feeding these giant birds of doom.

You have been warned.

Till next time,

Elf Dryadalis

Chinese New Year in Chinatown 2015

Happy Chinese New Year!

Oh, you're not Chinese?

Well, Happy Chinese New Year anyway! It means lots of food, celebrations and general well-mannered revelry.

You can't turn that down.

'Elf', you say quizzically, 'where is your beautiful face to adorn this blog post? Where were you in Chinatown?'

I was here. 5th row back, amongst the crowd.

Can you see me?

No?

How could you not?

Anyway. I think I have successfully made the point that Chinese New Year celebrations are extremely crowded.

Keep an eye on your elflings.

Or they might get eaten by these psychedelic fish.

Fish are associated in Chinese culture with wealth, so they're popular motifs even though it's not actually year of the fish or anything.

It's Year of the Sheep.

So here we have a giant duck.

And a phoenix.

And a dragon.

And some children.

Ah, here we go, a sheep!

'That's a ram,' you say, refering to your zoology textbooks in a haste, 'it can't be Year of the Sheep'.

Well let me tell you, o humans, that the basic word for sheep, ram and goat is the same in Chinese. So take your pick.

And if the argument gets too heated, here's the Fire Brigade station in Soho opening up its doors.

Ahh. A rest under the pagoda. Nice and shaded.

That's what the pagoda looks like from the outside, in case you were wondering. You weren't? Oh well. Indulge, my friends, indulge.

And when you're walking down the street, keep an eye out for the traditional lion dances - it's believed that they bring good fortune to businesses they visit. Businesses used to dangle a red envelope and lettuce (hey, veganism is the rage, even for lions, didn't you know), and the lion would shred it. I didn't see any businesses doing that this year though, since it's probably counted as littering now. That's a shame. You should see the mess elves make during our annual festivals of starlight. But anyway...............

A bonus picture - lion heads.

Not made from real lions.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis

Forbidden Planet: not actually a planet.

So. It's way too early in the morning, and I'm standing outside a shop. Voluntarily.


Now, what are the likely reasons for such strange behaviour? Please choose the likely answer from below.

1. Kim Kardashian is inside, filming her latest attempt to break the internet.
2. It's raining outside, and inside looks dry.
3. Kim Kardashian is outside, filming her latest attempt to break the internet, and inside looks safe.
4. There's merchandise inside I want to buy.

Now, if it's 1. or 3. you selected, you have spent too long on the internet. Your cat needs feeding. Go to her now.

If it's 2. you selected, you have spent too long in London. Go home. Oh, London is your home? That's awkward.

If it's 4. you selected, you have spent too long on this blog. I love you. Please, never change.

So, this is Forbidden Planet on Shaftesbury Avenue, in Central London. It sells all kinds of movie merchandise, comic merchandise, TV merchandise..........you get the idea.

And their window displays entice you closer - but what I like is that they actually put the prices in the window display. Most shops don't. It's only until you walk in and realise that you have to sell your cat to afford anything (well, you never feed her anyway, you horrible specimen of Mordor) that you take a step back in horror and become all Gollum-like - 'We wants it, yessss, my preccccccccciiiiiiiiiiiiiouuuuuuuuuuuuussssssssss'. Most unfair.

With the prices in the window, you can do that outside.

And return after the sale of Mr Tibbles........

TO BUY ALL OF THIS.

So, I've always wanted a pet human, and I got one, and he's called Jaime Lannister. We're the same height! Isn't that great? I suggest that all elves get a pet human. The ones from Forbidden Planet tend to have difficulty thinking/getting outside the box for some reason, but you can't have everything!

The sword is to defend my homeland, conquer other peoples' homelands, and to, umm, open letters.

I even got a pack of cards. They say 'You win or you die' which I think is an excellent intimidation strategy against my opponent in Snap. The cards have the Jacks, Queens, Kings, Aces and Jokers emblazoned with pictures of the main characters. I love how Cersei is on both the Baratheon and Lannister cards, in a valiant attempt to avoid giving away spoilers.

Oh, and she's quite fit too. Don't tell Jaime I said that.

And finally, in case Jaime does find out and I have to make my escape, I have a travel pass holder to help me travel in style.

And in the worst case scenario, I can jump inside the sturdy plastic bag my purchases came in.

He'll never find me there.

See you later,

Elf Dryadalis

London Fashion Week

Uh huh. It's that time again.

CHRISTMAS.

Only joking.

It's actually London Fashion Week, when approximately every well-dressed person descends on Somerset House in (you guessed it) London, to strut down catwalks, pose calmly, photograph hysterically, raise eyebrows quizzically and use adverbs generously.

So naturally, stunning as I am in my green cloak (it's handknitted. During Fashion Week, I call it couture), I turn up too.

Here I am, perfecting my over-the-shoulder glance, just like all the models. The only difference is that they're six feet tall, and I'm six inches tall.

We're practically the same.

So here I display my leggy height, astride the entrance to the backstage areas.

Look, I'm there. That one. The left-hand corner? Whaddaya mean, you can't see me?

Goodness. Anyone would think that I'm short.

Today's the last day of London Fashion Week, but it's followed by London Fashion Weekend, to mark the end --- what's that I hear you whisper? "I'd worked that out for myself, funnily enough"? 

Oh right then. Smarty pants.

ANYWAY.

If you want to watch the shows, some of them are live-streamed. Meanwhile, it's nice to walk around and admire everyone's outfits.

I met Sukki Singapora, a burlesque performer from Singapore, with a great sense of style! I bet her hair never attempts to metamorphose into a new lifeform, unlike mine.......

I also saw Henry Holland walking around, but he was on his phone, so I didn't stop to say hi.

Time for a nap, I think.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis

Mid-Autumn (Mooncake) Festival

Please don't be afraid. But you may wish to clamber behind your sofa/door/conveniently situated and expendable person.

There are 105 days till Christmas.

That means 104 days till Christmas Eve (I see you sitting there in stunned admiration at my powers of subtraction. Oh no. You're just flipping between this tab and the BBC iPlayer. Never mind), when the whole of western mankind, and one giddy elf, go running round trying to buy presents for their kids, wife (wives? You cheeky), pets and half-forgotten relatives.

Such excitement.

In the meantime, what does one do? Of course, the answer, 'Buy the Christmas presents now, so you don't end up with some crumpled overpriced package to give to Elfina' springs to mind. But that's too mainstream.

So I go mooning.

'EXCUSE ME?' you scream, eyes torn away from BBC4's Crimes of Passion. 'Children read this blog - you are corrupting the minds of the young'.

It's okay. I just mean shopping for mooncakes. Although there is a picture of my moon somewhere. At some point, whoever hacked the iCloud accounts of all those celebrities will undoubtedly do it to me. Because I'm so famous. And everyone wants to see a knitted moon.

Anyway.

To London's Chinatown, where everyone's mooning (okay, okay, I'll stop it).

The Mid-Autumn Festival (also known as the Moon (sorry) Festival), is celebrated round about September each year. Since it goes according to the Lunar calendar (so it's on the 15th day of the 8th Lunar month), the dates change on the western calendar from year to year.

This means lots of food, lanterns hovering around like UFOs (too much elf-wine, hic) and noise from everyone flocking to have a good look at the stores. It's nowhere near as busy as Chinese New Year, when you literally can't move a metre in any direction, so it's a pretty relaxing day out. It's also good for bringing the elflings to, since you won't risk losing them amongst the crowds.

There are bakeries all along Chinatown, which often sell pastries on the savoury side - very different from what you'd get in an English bakery! For this festival, mooncakes are sold from tables set up outside bakeries and restaurants etc. They have a thin crust and a sweet filling, with an egg yolk in the middle. The tops are often printed with Chinese characters, meaning 'Whassup, dawg?'.

Only joking. I just made that up.

The tops actually often tell you the name of the bakery.

But if you want to inform the mooncake about your day, go ahead. I won't judge you. *shuffles uncomfortably towards nearest exit*

I must also add a teensy warning (at least, teensy compared to your waistline if you eat one of these) - each mooncake is around 1000 calories (for a little 10cm one). So if you buy a box, you'd better share it. Or just buy a box, eat it all, and live on sunlight and water until Christmas.

If you're looking for a souvenir which won't make people ask if you're planning to play Santa this year, go for the little trinkets sold up and down the street. They include lanterns, little charms for your phone, and statuettes. Less tasty, but longer-lasting.

And if you're really cheap, they'd make really unusual Christmas presents too.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis

Chinatown Family Fun Day

Attention! I'm doing my best warrior impression.

These rather serious-looking guys behind me are statues of Chinese warriors (at least, I think they're statues. After all, people sometimes assume I'm a rag doll. They have no idea I write my own blog.)

They're guarding the place for Chinatown's Family Fun Day, which I visited last Sunday. I wanted to bring along my friend Minty the sheep, but she says that unlike the stereotype of her species, she doesn't like to follow the crowd.

And with live performances and other entertainments, boy was it crowded!

Damn, even the pandas came along. PANDAS. Those bamboo-eating dudes from China.

Not to mention this ingenious but ever-so-slightly-disturbing butterfly, which walked to and fro throughout Chinatown, humans scuttling out of the way. Being a brave and fearless elf, I went closer.

Smug elf. This butterfly does not scare me. Even though it's towering over everyone.

Okay. Now it's just a little bit too close for comfort.

Screw it! RUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

Home, safe and sound. I'll tell my grandelflings about my terrifying experiences.

Oh, and I do love freebies, and those lovely people at Chinatown were giving away these souvenir canvas bags. I was looking for Minty, to show her my swag, but that sheep has mysteriously disappeared and I can't find her.

Never mind.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis

Charing Cross Library

The weather has been absolutely glorious these past few days! It was sunny on St Swithin's day, and folklore tells us that the weather on St Swithin's will hold for 40 days. It's great for anyone wanting to spend time outside, but what about when you're tired and just want a nice book to read?

If you walk up Charing Cross Road, there is a nondescript little building with 'Library' signs attached: this is Charing Cross Library!

You don't have to be a member to walk in and browse books, although you will need a membership if you wish to borrow any.

The library is busy, but there are areas to sit down in, spread over two floors.

What makes Charing Cross Library stand out is its selection of Chinese-language books, due to the proximity of Chinatown, just a few minutes away. You can check out my blog post on Chinatown here, if you like!

I'd also like to add that the shelves are excellent for elves to stand on, but I wouldn't recommend this to human children (or indeed, adults).

I'm going to find a book full of recipies: I'm hungry!

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis

Police Horses

Isn't this one of the coolest sights in the city? 21st century London still keeps its eyes firmly on tradition, as police horses regularly patrol the streets of the capital. They usually patrol in pairs (it's a bit difficult to see from this picture, but if you look at the horse's legs you can see there's another horse behind it).

It's quite exciting when you're in the buzz of such a modern place, and then there's a clip-clop, clip-clop noise behind you, and you can turn to see these lovely creatures keeping the area safe.

These horses were at Cambridge Circus, which is along Charing Cross Road.

I've also seen them at Covent Garden, where they stood still outside the Underground station. Sometimes if you ask the policeman (or policewoman) nicely they let you say hello to their horse.

Police horses are also seen at demonstrations and at events where crowds are expected - they allow the police to get around quickly without needing a car.

As an elf, I am fully in support of these horses trotting around London - more non-human creatures can only add to the species diversity of this city!

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis

Southbank: Festival Hall

If it wasn't for the sign, or the multi-coloured pillars, you might think this was a multi-storey car park by the River Thames! But actually, the Royal Festival Hall, despite its drab concrete appearance, is a 2,500-seat concert venue, home to the London Philharmonic Orchestra, among others.

It's best reached from London Waterloo, or London Charing Cross train stations.

It's worth walking around the outside of the building, since the geometric shapes eventually grow on you and make it more obvious why this building is actually Grade 1 listed (meaning it has been officially recognised as having architectural value). There are loads of steps in the most unexpected of places, and they lead to rooms, gardens......anything, really!

Outside one of the entrances is this bust of Nelson Mandela. I personally think that Mandela was better-looking than this rather scrunched-up statue face, but since I have little stone-shaping elfcraft of my own, I guess this is a nice bust anyway.

Here's one of the main entrances. A good little thing to know is that there are toilets in this building which the public can access, since otherwise you'd have to walk all the way to the train station and pay to go for a wee!

There are also many events which take place within the building. Right now it's the 'Festival of Love', celebrating mankind and elfkind's most powerful force in all its forms.

Now I think I'll go for a snack.

The 'Real Food Market' has dozens of stores selling fresh produce, from meat to sweets. Be warned; it's quite expensive (for example a hog roast sandwich is £5, without drinks, and a slice of cake is £2-£3), but fine for a treat (or if you're really rich).

Look at all these stores! They're the food stores I was talking about earlier. Take an umbrella, just in case it rains while you visit!

Phew. That was exhausting. I'm just going to sit down now, and enjoy the sunshine.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis