Bromley's Big Birdhouses

'OI!' you rudely say, interrupting my quiet cup of tea and lembas, 'That's not a birdhouse. It's the lovechild of a swimming pool and a spyhole'.

Well, yeah, it is. But it's for charity, and as we all know, that pretty much excuses anything. Except the time I turned up to the Elves' Charity Council Cake Sale with my homemade Leaf Lembas, and half the elflings got food poisoning from my efforts. But that's another story.

Anyway, this lovechild is the work of Becky Adlington, called 'Pool'. No, not poo. That's what pigeons leave on your car. Right now. Go and check.

Ha? You checked? I knew you would.

So - the gist of this is that famous people paint these ginourmous birdhouses, and then auction them off. As I understand it, not a single actual bird is going to buy one of these - shocking. It's like when people from abroad buy all our treehouses, then leave them empty, leaving native elves scrimping and saving, and then living in a box.

Shocking.

But at least we get to look at them. And very pretty they are too.

Yeah, that's a shark. On a birdbox. Painted to look like water.
And it's done by Steve Backshall, who is clearly nifty with a paintbrush, but is perhaps a little confused. I mean, he wants to save sharks, so puts them on a structure which will be on a treetop? Humans. I'll never understand them!

And here we have a traditional human sacrifice, once a year, when a large blue butterfly is offered up to the House of Black. A loud voice booms from the opening in the facade, and announces good harvests for the following 12 months. Not really. I made that up.

 It's actually the 'House of Flight', by George Clarke, but that's not half as exciting.

And here's new Government policy. With energy prices rising, and oil running out, the Winter Insulation Policy Guidelines state that all homes must be covered in multicoloured fur to keep them warm. The colours also help visibility from the road, thus saving the government millions of pounds in street lighting.

This prototype house, soon to be seen on every street near you, was designed by Jo Whiley.

And here's my favourite by far. It's by Konnie Huq, and depicts my childhood home, before I was whisked off to do stupid tours around London by some human. Alas for the trees of yore.

And the other side of this beautiful box depicts my revenge, when I marshal hordes of aliens to attack Planet Earth, and give Britain even worse weather than it's currently experiencing.

Finally, a plea. Give Nature a Home by the RSPB. That, by the way, includes wandering elves. Here's the RSPB website, and if you want to look at these homes for yourself, and possibly find that I may or may not have fictionalised some details in my picture descriptions, here's the Intu Shopping Centre's website here.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis