Christmas shop windows in Oxford Street

It's okay. You're not hallucinating. This is actually a penguin giving a cookery lesson.

In the shop window of John Lewis.

The penguin's not real.

'Oh dear!,' you exclaim, 'I've already called the RSPCA'.

Right then. That's your attitude, is it? Here's a penguin, happily making a calorific monstrosity for its kids, and you think it's cruelty. Think about your poor old Elf. I walked around for three hours to reach the penguin cookery demonstration (that is to say, the penguin doing some cooking, not someone cooking a penguin), and have a good old glimpse of all the shop windows along Oxford Street too.

The things I do for this blog.

Anyway, here I am proud to present to you, the famous (not really) Elf Dryadalis' Award for the Best Window Display. Let's go through the countdown.

5) Marks and Spencer

'What's that?' you ask, 'A multi-storey car park?'

Well, yes, I admit that it isn't exciting. In the slightest. The strings of lights change colour, and that's about it. It's in fifth place because I admire Marks and Spencer's cheek in using the same old 'Magic & Sparkle' advertising manta for about the millionth year in a row.

The changing colours are also vaguely hypnotising.

4) Debenhams

'Found it!' the advertising proudly proclaims. Yes, my dear, but what have you found? The perfect present? Old socks you dropped down the sofa last year? I presume it is the former, although, you never know, Debenhams does smell, sorry, sell, socks.

It's an impressive horde, certainly, but it's just overwhelming. All the products are just piled up, and I'm not getting the 'I MUST HAVE THAT SPARKLY THING RIGHT NOW' vibe. And let's face it, vibes for sparkly things are what Christmas is all about. (Who's Jesus? Never heard of the guy).

Aha. So that's what the 'Found it' tag is for. Someone found the building. And stuck a tag on it. Mystery solved.

3) Boots

Aww. This looks so traditional. That is to say, as traditional as you can get with metres of electrical lights, modern plastics and synthetic sparkles. But you get what I mean. It's got stars, it says 'Merry Christmas' (why, thank you, but it's only the 3rd of December), it screams at you from across the street.

Oh, and I have no idea if it's actually coming from Boots, but around that area of Oxford Street, fake foam snow is falling. It looks cool, and confuses everyone.

And you think, 'Oh dear, this might be slippery, I might have to get new boots'. And by magical advertising osmosis, you think, 'Boots!' and run across. Only to realise they don't actually sell boots.


2) John Lewis

They have a penguin in a bra. That should surely mean John Lewis cinches the top spot, but it's just that I'M SICK OF PENGUINS. They're everywhere. On that bloomin' advert, sold in stores (not the real ones! Put down your phone to the police), even in little promotional flyers advising me to adopt one this Christmas. Penguins are bigger than me, okay. I'm not adopting anything that could stomp me.

You might think that putting a penguin in a bra is rude. Well, just wait till you see this.

Perhaps it's time to move on.

In other news, penguins have been so sick of appearing on screen that they've seized equipment and are turning the cameras back on the humans.

In this shocking image, we see a full-sized penguin in a heated confrontation with the black cylinders of doom.
I presume that this is meant to make us buy cameras. But I'm too busy wondering how a penguin could possibly operate the controls on a DSLR, and whether or not the cameras would freeze up in an arctic environment. I tried asking the penguins, but they were unresponsive. So rude.

1) Selfridges

Father Christmas has given up. He followed his new GPS to try and find some kids' homes, and after ending up in a cul-de-sac, a disused quarry and a ditch, he's finally gone back to the paper version.

However, he now needs a hammer to break out of Selfridges' shop window.

Here, Selfridges gives the unwitting shopper due warning: this window is gold, because you'll need plenty of it to buy anything inside. A great 'Buyer Beware' campaign.

Umm, that's not an entire building stuffed inside a window - it's just the reflection (unless the building had GPS too, and went the same way as Father Christmas).

It's so sparkly. Selfridges has turned its products into set pieces, and made the shopper want to look in the windows, rather than hurry by, muttering dark thoughts about how Scrooge had the right idea (although of course, you may be muttering this anyway if you walk in and see the prices).

Selfridges is very confident of itself; it's even called its shop 'Destination Christmas' (so that's what Father Christmas typed into his sat nav). It's framed by a couple of mushrooms, which either give the place an 'Alice in Wonderland' type feel, or make you consider smoking a couple to get over the stress of Christmas shopping.

If you're feeling the it's the latter, I suggest you just cancel Christmas. There's no point in smoking mushrooms out of stress, when you could just wait until Boxing Day, buy up all the half price Christmas puddings, and get high on those instead.

And finally, a personal note, if I may. Of course I may, it's my blog. I notice this stunning unicorn advertising what looks like a doormat. Or it could be a £1000 throw. You never know these days.

Anyway, I applaud Selfridges' brave decision to help increase the employment rates amongst my fellow fantasy creatures. It's a long hard road until we are represented in Parliament, but until then, we'll be campaigning for equal labour rights and representation in the boardroom.

Mental? Perhaps. But so would you be if you spent three hours walking along Oxford Street near Christmas time.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis

 

Yup. Even if you visit in summer.

So. You've heard about the infamous weather in London. You've checked out all the weather forecasts, and even done it like a local and checked the BBC website for the latest weather warnings.

Naturally then, you book to go during July/August, when the weather (as your exhaustive research tells you) is at its warmest, sometimes even over 20 degrees celsius.

You check out the fashion trends, learn that Londoners don't really do a head-to-toe matching combination, and go for something that's a little quirky, but comfortable too. Just like a local.

In your t-shirt, shorts, walking shoes (plus - clever you - spare pullover because you know it can get chilly) you saunter down London's Oxford Street, shopping bags bulging, looking like you've lived there all your life.

Then this happens.

No, no, not that an elf pops up and photobombs your picture of a taxi.

I'm talking about the rain.

Check out this quiz below. I'll call it the 'How Do You Cope With London Rain' quiz. It's a quiz about....oh. you already guessed it. Fine. Clever clogs.

Q1. It starts raining heavy drops of water, but only the occasional droplet actually hits you. You:
a. Know this means trouble. Dive for shelter.
b. Carry on walking. It's just drizzle.
c. Sigh, get out your umbrella and hold it loosely in your hand, just in case it turns into something worse.

Q2. It's now a torrential downpour. What do you do?
a. Curse.
b. Laugh and get out your camera. This will be hilarious on Facebook, and you'll dry off quickly, anyway.
c. Get out your umbrella, and carry on walking as though you're not being pelted with industrial amounts of H20.

Q3. The rain's stopped! What's your course of action?
a. Get out from under cover, and stomp moodily to your destination.
b. Look remarkably surprised.
c. It's stopped raining? Didn't notice. Oh well. Umbrella away then, in the plastic bag you carry around just for this purpose.

If you answered mostly:

a = Good morning, sunshine. You've stayed in London way, way too long. Time for a break - preferably somewhere where the sun does shine for more than an hour at a time.

b = Welcome to London; I admire your bravery, O Tourist. Just know that an umbrella is an absolute must, even if it's a sunny day - heck, even if the weather forecast says it'll be sunny all day. Oh yeah, and if you answered 'b' for Q2, you won't dry out for the rest of the day. London rain is freezing, even in summer. And you can write off your shoes as well. They won't dry for a week.

c = You're probably a native. You know that the weather is more changeable than a celebrity's latest boyfriends, and moan about it to your friends, but secretly enjoy the unpredictable climate.

Best, my soaked friends,

Elf Dryadalis