Chinese New Year 2016

‘Where have you been, O Elf?’, you ask breathlessly, ‘we have awaited your latest blog post with bated breath, and can hardly contain our anticipation.’

Relax, my avid readers. Yes, I know you are avid readers; the internet is clearly so keen on your musings that my hit counter remains low in the spirit of the slave who was hired to mutter behind the Roman Emperor, ‘Remember, you are mortal’. So kind of you to help my feet stay on the ground in this heady blogosphere.

So onto one of Elf’s favourite times of year: Chinese New Year. Now, I’m not Chinese (I am Elfglish, thank you), and this is not my New Year. But as anyone who’s had a takeaway or Dim Sum will know, one thing the Chinese have spot on is FOOD.

Thus, I’m celebrating their New Year, and eating their food, and joining in their revelry.

Now, anyone who knows anything about celebrating Chinese New Year in London knows that the only place to go is Chinatown.

 And it seems everyone knows.

Hold onto your children, personal possessions and pet dog. This place is unbelievably crowded. The official entertainment didn’t start till 10am, but by half nine, the streets were packed. And when I tried to get through at 11am, I literally, despite my height and ability to squeeze through small spaces, got trapped. No one was able to move; someone had had the bright idea to use metal barriers to stop people wandering onto the road where the procession was, with hardly any gaps. A good idea in principle, but for people trying to simply walk up the street, this was impossible as all the streets cross each other – meaning you couldn’t cross any roads at all! In the end, a burly human lifted up one of the barriers and we were able to cross the road.

Luckily, because I had gotten there so early, I was able to have a little peek at the stores before everyone got packed like elves in a eucalyptus tree (mmm. Those trees smell so good. But that’s for another time). Every year, you can expect some staples: toys shaped like this year’s animal (2016 is the Year of the Monkey – when is the Year of the Elf going to be?! I know. EVERY YEAR.), those little twisted bits of paper that make crackling noises when you throw them on the floor, and paper dragons that expand and contract and are really quite ingenious.

Takeaways are always absolutely packed during this time of year, so I didn’t even try to get a table (besides, I cannot control myself when it comes to the buffet). However, there are some delicacies everyone should try during this food-filled time of year:

-          Sugared fruits – get them from any Chinese supermarket from late January onwards. They have things like coconut flakes and lotus seeds, covered in a serious dusting of sugar, like the old Frosties before they tried to look more health conscious. The belief is that by eating sweets, the consumer will have a ‘sweet’ year.

-          Nian gao – my human made this for me (using the recipe here) and I had three slices. I then had to lie down for a very long time, as this stuff is seriously filling. The words ‘nian gao’ simply mean ‘year cake’, but also sounds like the word for ‘every year taller’ so everyone’s eating some to try and grow. At least for knitted elves, it doesn’t work. I’ve tried.

-          Pomelo – it’s like a grapefruit on steroids, but more sweet and less sour. What’s not to love?

I’m just going to have a little lie down now and try to sleep all this food off.

Till next time,

Elf Dryadalis

Middle Temple (Open House London)

Barrister Elf.

That has quite a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

I'm also really good at arguing in defence (of myself), especially against the charming Elfina, my wife.

Surely I'm qualified.

Anyway, if you're wondering why I'm talking about law, when I wander the streets like an outlaw (ha ha! geddit? no? fine), it's because I've gone to look round Middle Temple, one of four Inns of Court which have the exclusive right to call people to the English bar as barristers.

That's barristers.

Not baristas.

So once again, like Temple Church, Middle Temple has a good series of informative displays. There were also lots of shiny leaflets too, which is what Elf likes, so you can read at your own pace and not have to keep up with a tall human guides on your 2-inch long knitted legs.

Here's Charles I on a horse. This painting takes pride of place in the hall, and I have heard that this Charles I was quite short. Just like Elf. Okay, maybe not that short, but he's got my vote anyway.

Now, if you go there yourself, which I highly recommend, make sure to check out the ceilings. This one reminds you of what country you're in, which is highly useful.

This one is patterned like that luxury toilet paper you can get for about £3 a roll.

Oh no.

Now these lawyers are going to sue Elf for defamation.

But Elf has practised his powers of oratory against the lovely Elfina.

BRING IT ON.

And here's Elf hiding. From a wig. And a human hand. Going for the wig. This is all becoming a bit strange.

What this actually is is a chance to try on robes and wigs, but I quite like my woolly cloak. It looks a lot warmer than those robes, don't you think?

Whist Elf was there, the fire alarm went off. In an attempt to get the very best photos for this blog, I kept snapping as we (very, very) slowly evacuated. Hence the camera shake.

I risk my life for this blog.

Anyways - if there really were a fire, we'd all be dead. No arguing about that. Actually, as the staff were telling people 'We're evacuating', visitors were walking, straight past the staff, in an attempt to see more of the architecture, completely ignorant of the potential mortal peril.

And it was a wooden building too.

A wooden building.

*shakes head*

Elf Dryadalis

Roman Baths (Open House London)

I have something to confess.

I haven't taken a bath.

Ever.

Right. Now, if you're okay with my lack of elfish hygiene (in my defence, I take ages to dry), please join me in my tour of The 'Roman' Bath along Strand Lane.

It's open as part of the Open House event which takes place this very weekend, when loads of buildings in London let you look around them for free. I decide to take this opportunity to learn about Romans, and possibly take a bath too.

Now this looks promising. Having descended a treacherously steep flight of stairs down Surrey Street, I enter a very damp, small building (even the leaflets were damp - no bath sponges though) with the plaque reading 'Frigidarium' and 'Roman Bath'.

However, I have been deceived.

Firstly, there is absolutely no way I am bathing in this. I want a jacuzzi, with softly glowing candles and gentle music playing. Probably some bubbles too.

And instead, I find out that this is actually a feeder cistern for a grotto-fountain at the old Somerset House.

People did bathe in this though - it's mentioned in David Copperfield. 

Yuk!

Again, yuk.

I am never going to take a bath. Ever.

Anyway, another thing I found out was that this isn't actually a Roman relic at all. From the helpful guides pinned up along the wall, I find out that Stuarts and Georgians used to bathe in this (yes, the water was cold - hence 'frigidarium' or 'cold room' or 'yuk, I'm never going to bathe, ever' - I may have made the last translation up), and it allowed people to let their imaginations of the Roman past run riot.

Things I do really like are the bathroom tiles. Isn't this cute?

Oh, and I don't have jaundice, by the way. It's just the lighting. Promise.

There's a light source here too, which is kinda roman. Kinda. As in, Romans used to make great use of lighting in their baths, letting shadows and light play off against each other whilst they soaked.

Then again, they also used to make lions and gladiators play off against each other too, so I'm not sure if any of their ideas are worth copying.

And certainly don't copy the unfortunate William Wendell, MP for Malton, who died in the bath in May 1792.

That really would ruin bathtime.

If you want to find out more, have a look at these websites:

http://www.kcl.ac.uk/cultural/culturalinstitute/showcase/current/kei/artsdigital/virtualbathing/index.aspx

https://kcl.academia.edu/MichaelTrapp (bottom of page) - Professor Trapp has obsessively researched the 'Roman Bath' and is also the guy who wrote the information signs pinned on the walls. He's also there this Saturday to answer your questions.

http://www.londonmylondon.co.uk/?p=2954

 I'm off next to the Royal Courts of Justice - see you soon!

Elf Dryadalis

Maughan Library (Open House London)

If you've read the Da Vinci Code, you'll know two things:

1. You should be ashamed of yourself for reading such a book.
2. The Maughan Library in central London features as a research area.

It's specifically the Round Reading Room which appears in Dan Brown's novel. Now, usually, you have to be a student at King's College London to get into this room, but before you rush off to take 135,234 A-Levels and gain a place there, note that this library is also open to the public during Open House Weekend.

And, lacking any A-Levels, though I do have some excellent grades in the little-known alternative, 'Elf Levels', I did avail myself of the opportunity to look round this building.

Upon arrival, you are given a leaflet outlining the tour route of the Maughan, as well as a thoughtful list of other King's College London buildings taking part in Open House.

And so off you go, ready to probe the mysteries of this ridiculously large building.

It is signposted, but watch out for the swing doors - they are everywhere, and very heavy. It's to make the place fireproof, but I do believe this is a conspiracy to also make it elf-proof, since I could barely push them open.

But my word, it's worth the effort.

Check out this room!

It's like what happens when you have a home improvement show with a massive budget, and all these interior designers chipping in and adding 'statement pieces', till you get some crazy mashup of everything you've ever seen on Songs of Praise and Bargain Hunt.

You know when they're always warning you on the news about not leaving glass paperweights near sunlight?

WHAT ABOUT THESE?!

Sunlight everywhere, coloured glass everywhere, my word, I could have died, the things I do for this blog.

So I scurry into the much safer-looking basement. Here, you can see students' lockers (don't all take photos at once), and an original cell, which is a grim structure that once had parchment stacked on it.

At this point, I couldn't resist going off-route and looking at their books.

The shelving even has this weird sort of ferris wheel/rocking horse for Elf to climb on, which is very considerate and appreciated.

And here, the piece de resistance.

The Da Vinci Code Room/ Round Reading Room/Dumbledore's Office Thingy Place.

Yup. Students study here!


What a waste. Elf thinks it would be the perfect place for a rave.

I asked one of the volunteers (who are actually library staff - yeah - actually, real library staff, in their natural habitat!) what these books were on, expecting The Life and Times of Elf Dryadalis to feature prominently, possibly with multiple copies. It turns out it's just a variety of reference books, with my autobiography nowhere to be seen.

Rubbish.

 See you after I've requested that my life story be ordered for the library immediately,

Elf Dryadalis

Temple Church (Open House London)

'Temple Church?!', you cry in outrage, 'What religion is this? Is it a temple, or a church?'

Well, I shall enlighten you (no religious pun intended).

It's a Church, at Temple, built in the 12th century. Yup, that Temple Church, by the guys of the Knights Templar!

Now usually, Elf wouldn't go poking around these places (in actual fact, your faithful blogger didn't even realise the place was there). But Open House London lets you look around all these great examples of architecture, for free.

Now, a free day out in London? You'd be an orc to miss it.

So here I am inside, enjoying a talk about the history of Temple Church. The books behind me are Bibles (not Elf's autobiography - but one day, one day my people), and yes, for the doubters amongst you, the pews are real wood.

Open House London is actually over for this year, so don't hate on me if you turn up at these buildings and ask why you are being rebuffed at the entrances. Of course, this means that when the buildings are open, they are more or less packed. My advice? Go early, and prioritise the ones you really want to visit. Some are normally open to the public, so leave those till last.

Isn't this stunning? The church can be hired as a wedding venue, but only for members of the Inner and Middle Temples (so become a barrister, fast). There are also music events, and a helpful guy at the exit handed out flyers for this as we left.

The Open House weekend was well-organised, in that it allowed visitors to either wander around freely, taking photographs, or even go on a tour. Elf was looking for the event which taught people how to spell 'Triforium', but alas, it seemed this wasn't catered for.

The Ten Commandments are also on display. I would like to make a funny joke about how there's a cross right over them, but I won't.

There is also a good representation of my fellow magical creature, the Pegasus. Though I would like to add that Percy Pegasus doesn't usually look that good, especially not in the morning.

Finally, I leave you as I've got a lot of information posters to read through. I was hoping that this one on the 'Guardian of England' would be a sort of film noir version of 'Guardians of the Galaxy', but maybe not this time.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis

Bromley's Big Birdhouses

'OI!' you rudely say, interrupting my quiet cup of tea and lembas, 'That's not a birdhouse. It's the lovechild of a swimming pool and a spyhole'.

Well, yeah, it is. But it's for charity, and as we all know, that pretty much excuses anything. Except the time I turned up to the Elves' Charity Council Cake Sale with my homemade Leaf Lembas, and half the elflings got food poisoning from my efforts. But that's another story.

Anyway, this lovechild is the work of Becky Adlington, called 'Pool'. No, not poo. That's what pigeons leave on your car. Right now. Go and check.

Ha? You checked? I knew you would.

So - the gist of this is that famous people paint these ginourmous birdhouses, and then auction them off. As I understand it, not a single actual bird is going to buy one of these - shocking. It's like when people from abroad buy all our treehouses, then leave them empty, leaving native elves scrimping and saving, and then living in a box.

Shocking.

But at least we get to look at them. And very pretty they are too.

Yeah, that's a shark. On a birdbox. Painted to look like water.
And it's done by Steve Backshall, who is clearly nifty with a paintbrush, but is perhaps a little confused. I mean, he wants to save sharks, so puts them on a structure which will be on a treetop? Humans. I'll never understand them!

And here we have a traditional human sacrifice, once a year, when a large blue butterfly is offered up to the House of Black. A loud voice booms from the opening in the facade, and announces good harvests for the following 12 months. Not really. I made that up.

 It's actually the 'House of Flight', by George Clarke, but that's not half as exciting.

And here's new Government policy. With energy prices rising, and oil running out, the Winter Insulation Policy Guidelines state that all homes must be covered in multicoloured fur to keep them warm. The colours also help visibility from the road, thus saving the government millions of pounds in street lighting.

This prototype house, soon to be seen on every street near you, was designed by Jo Whiley.

And here's my favourite by far. It's by Konnie Huq, and depicts my childhood home, before I was whisked off to do stupid tours around London by some human. Alas for the trees of yore.

And the other side of this beautiful box depicts my revenge, when I marshal hordes of aliens to attack Planet Earth, and give Britain even worse weather than it's currently experiencing.

Finally, a plea. Give Nature a Home by the RSPB. That, by the way, includes wandering elves. Here's the RSPB website, and if you want to look at these homes for yourself, and possibly find that I may or may not have fictionalised some details in my picture descriptions, here's the Intu Shopping Centre's website here.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis

Hidden London: the New River Walk

'O', you cry, arms raised aloft in wonder, 'this can't be London! It's all so...........green'.

But I assure you, dear readers, that I am not deceiving you.

And here is the sign to prove it: Islington's New River Walk.

It's not actually new at all. It was opened in 1613 to be an artificial waterway to provide London with drinking water. Now it serves as a lovely oasis away from the hustle and bustle of the city.

I recommend going on a sunny day, not too warm, to enjoy the walk and the effects of sunlight through the leaves and water features. The walk also passes near to several shops, so you can even stop for refreshment along the way.

The path is paved, so it's an easy sort of ramble (unless you fall in the river, in which case, things might get a little difficult).

This is a little installation to keep an eye out for - it's a city for birds! I won't tell you exactly where it is, so as not to spoil the surprise, but it's quite easy to miss, so I'll tell you that it's fairly near the fountain.

There are also several benches to sit on, which is what I'll do now, and enjoy some lembas sandwiches whilst the sun shines.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis