How I do like to be beside the seaside: Brighton

'Wait!', I hear you all cry (okay, I don't, but you get what I mean), 'you're meant to be having adventures in London. Why is there the sea behind you, pebbles rather than pavements, and above all, why isn't it RAINING?'

I must confess, ardent readers.

I'm taking a nice day off, at the beach in Brighton, and behind me, that thing which looks like an octopus with serious designs on world domination is actually the remains of the West Pier, which was burned down in a series of fires during 2003, and is now completely cut off from the shore.

This is the life!

Help a giant shrimp's got me oh my word why me why me how do I escape its pincers it was nice knowing you all DON'T JUST STAND THERE DO SOMETHING!!!!!

Oh, hey.

I'm alive.

And the pink threat is actually an advertisement for a seafood shop.

It's fine.

After my narrow escape from the Claws of Doom (another story to tell the grandelflings) I now brave my digestive system with some oysters. Yum.

I survived this, too.

What does not survive, however, is my perfectly coiffed hairstyle. The sea breeze is legendary for being refreshing, but what will be refreshed is my supply of hairspray. In the meantime, I'll just start a new trend - it's kind of a cross between Elton John, that dog from the Dulux adverts and the kind of brush you buy from the pound store. You saw it here first.

I am, of course, just about to saunter along Brighton Pier, which possesses lots of seaside amusements, like the ubiquitous Coconut shy, and the stay-on-the-bull-for-as-long-as-you-can ride. There's also an amusement arcade in the middle, which offers both respite from the wind and the chance to spend a ridiculous amount of money in the form of 2p coins, which will be mysteriously vanished by those slot machines.

In the queue for these fish and chips, the guy in front of me only ordered chips. The storeholder asked why he was placing such a small order, and the guy replied, 'Because I just gambled away £5 on the slot machines!'.

So be warned, young elves. Spend too much money on trying to win money you can't possibly win, you'll be short of cash. And I will not give you extra to buy more lembas. Elvard, if you're reading this, this paragraph is for you. Don't even think about getting the strawberry-flavoured ones. You're too fat already.

Oi, you! Want some of my fish?

Time for a post-snack lie-down. So comfortable. It even has some chic decoration along the side, kind of retro-style, which says, 'Signal Cannon Chain Pier 1822 - 1896'. I haven't a clue what that means but I assume that's one of the life-affirming quotes you get on the side of whimsical pillows etc.

*BOOM*

*cough*

*cough*

Oh, hey.

WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN ME?

Oh well. Saves me walking back down the pier, I guess.

Oh yeah, and some lovely humans from Experian UK were handing out free 'frisbees'. I have no idea who Fritz the Bee is, but hey, he's cool, and makes a nice plate too.

Fritz the Bee also doubles up as a swimming pool, for when I get home, and rather regret leaving behind the seaside at all.

That's all for now,

Elf Dryadalis