Churchill Theatre Gardens

If you're out and about in the suburbs, and decide to pop into Intu Bromley (formerly and more popularly known as 'The Glades'), make sure to visit the Churchill Theatre Gardens!

Oh, and don't let the name put you off. It does sound like a cross between a prime minister, the West End and Kew, but it's actually a good-sized area of greenery.

There's even a small children's play area, but of course I am too mature for such things.

What I prefer is a bit of culture. Thus I am standing in front of this empty structure attempting to look all educated.

There are occasionally performances there, but these are kind of obscure. So obscure that this veritable treasure trove of information - why are you looking around, going 'What?' 'What treasure trove?', it's ME, people - has no clue when the next performance is. Never mind. It's fun to scramble up and down the tiers anyway.

And here I am with Miss Duck, who's a duck.

See? I come up with the most surprising facts. Like I said, treasure trove.

There are quite a few animals here, good for pointing out to the elflings. There are squirrels and the ubiquitous pigeons too, of course.

I'm going to find a nice squirrel to talk to, since I think Miss Duck's conversation is mostly quackery.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis

When the sun begins to sink in the sky...

Hi there! Can you see me? No?

That's because I'm trying my hand behind the camera today. With a little bit of aid from my human, I'm learning photography.

The problem is, I keep on missing the subject, and taking photos of everything around it for miles - just not what I'm shooting!

So my human suggested that I try and photograph the sky.

'You can't possibly miss that', she said, with a slight note of exasperation (we had, after all, been practicing for the whole day).

Cue a whole ream of photos of the ground.

(I kept dropping the camera.)

And finally, as the sun was beginning to set (and my human was rather unsubtle in punctuating the conversation with yawns), I took this photo.

I know I have lots to learn about taking photos (and keeping a hold on the camera), but even my cackhanded approach creates a pretty picture!

I think it's because the cloudiness of London skies means that when the sun is setting, there's a lovely glow to them.

You can't yawn at that.

Best,

Elf Dryadalis

How I do like to be beside the seaside: Brighton

'Wait!', I hear you all cry (okay, I don't, but you get what I mean), 'you're meant to be having adventures in London. Why is there the sea behind you, pebbles rather than pavements, and above all, why isn't it RAINING?'

I must confess, ardent readers.

I'm taking a nice day off, at the beach in Brighton, and behind me, that thing which looks like an octopus with serious designs on world domination is actually the remains of the West Pier, which was burned down in a series of fires during 2003, and is now completely cut off from the shore.

This is the life!

Help a giant shrimp's got me oh my word why me why me how do I escape its pincers it was nice knowing you all DON'T JUST STAND THERE DO SOMETHING!!!!!

Oh, hey.

I'm alive.

And the pink threat is actually an advertisement for a seafood shop.

It's fine.

After my narrow escape from the Claws of Doom (another story to tell the grandelflings) I now brave my digestive system with some oysters. Yum.

I survived this, too.

What does not survive, however, is my perfectly coiffed hairstyle. The sea breeze is legendary for being refreshing, but what will be refreshed is my supply of hairspray. In the meantime, I'll just start a new trend - it's kind of a cross between Elton John, that dog from the Dulux adverts and the kind of brush you buy from the pound store. You saw it here first.

I am, of course, just about to saunter along Brighton Pier, which possesses lots of seaside amusements, like the ubiquitous Coconut shy, and the stay-on-the-bull-for-as-long-as-you-can ride. There's also an amusement arcade in the middle, which offers both respite from the wind and the chance to spend a ridiculous amount of money in the form of 2p coins, which will be mysteriously vanished by those slot machines.

In the queue for these fish and chips, the guy in front of me only ordered chips. The storeholder asked why he was placing such a small order, and the guy replied, 'Because I just gambled away £5 on the slot machines!'.

So be warned, young elves. Spend too much money on trying to win money you can't possibly win, you'll be short of cash. And I will not give you extra to buy more lembas. Elvard, if you're reading this, this paragraph is for you. Don't even think about getting the strawberry-flavoured ones. You're too fat already.

Oi, you! Want some of my fish?

Time for a post-snack lie-down. So comfortable. It even has some chic decoration along the side, kind of retro-style, which says, 'Signal Cannon Chain Pier 1822 - 1896'. I haven't a clue what that means but I assume that's one of the life-affirming quotes you get on the side of whimsical pillows etc.

*BOOM*

*cough*

*cough*

Oh, hey.

WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN ME?

Oh well. Saves me walking back down the pier, I guess.

Oh yeah, and some lovely humans from Experian UK were handing out free 'frisbees'. I have no idea who Fritz the Bee is, but hey, he's cool, and makes a nice plate too.

Fritz the Bee also doubles up as a swimming pool, for when I get home, and rather regret leaving behind the seaside at all.

That's all for now,

Elf Dryadalis

Yup. Even if you visit in summer.

So. You've heard about the infamous weather in London. You've checked out all the weather forecasts, and even done it like a local and checked the BBC website for the latest weather warnings.

Naturally then, you book to go during July/August, when the weather (as your exhaustive research tells you) is at its warmest, sometimes even over 20 degrees celsius.

You check out the fashion trends, learn that Londoners don't really do a head-to-toe matching combination, and go for something that's a little quirky, but comfortable too. Just like a local.

In your t-shirt, shorts, walking shoes (plus - clever you - spare pullover because you know it can get chilly) you saunter down London's Oxford Street, shopping bags bulging, looking like you've lived there all your life.

Then this happens.

No, no, not that an elf pops up and photobombs your picture of a taxi.

I'm talking about the rain.

Check out this quiz below. I'll call it the 'How Do You Cope With London Rain' quiz. It's a quiz about....oh. you already guessed it. Fine. Clever clogs.

Q1. It starts raining heavy drops of water, but only the occasional droplet actually hits you. You:
a. Know this means trouble. Dive for shelter.
b. Carry on walking. It's just drizzle.
c. Sigh, get out your umbrella and hold it loosely in your hand, just in case it turns into something worse.

Q2. It's now a torrential downpour. What do you do?
a. Curse.
b. Laugh and get out your camera. This will be hilarious on Facebook, and you'll dry off quickly, anyway.
c. Get out your umbrella, and carry on walking as though you're not being pelted with industrial amounts of H20.

Q3. The rain's stopped! What's your course of action?
a. Get out from under cover, and stomp moodily to your destination.
b. Look remarkably surprised.
c. It's stopped raining? Didn't notice. Oh well. Umbrella away then, in the plastic bag you carry around just for this purpose.

If you answered mostly:

a = Good morning, sunshine. You've stayed in London way, way too long. Time for a break - preferably somewhere where the sun does shine for more than an hour at a time.

b = Welcome to London; I admire your bravery, O Tourist. Just know that an umbrella is an absolute must, even if it's a sunny day - heck, even if the weather forecast says it'll be sunny all day. Oh yeah, and if you answered 'b' for Q2, you won't dry out for the rest of the day. London rain is freezing, even in summer. And you can write off your shoes as well. They won't dry for a week.

c = You're probably a native. You know that the weather is more changeable than a celebrity's latest boyfriends, and moan about it to your friends, but secretly enjoy the unpredictable climate.

Best, my soaked friends,

Elf Dryadalis

Encounters with a giant ice cream

As you'll know if you live in the UK, the recent weather has been extremely warm (in London terms, that generally means above room temperature). So how better to enjoy the heat than eat something that'll make you feel cold?

Come on. You know it makes sense.

Somehow.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I went down to Regent Street for the last of the 'Summer Streets' events, where the whole street is pedestrianised and humans drift across the road like dodgem cars. Now everyone was drifting around like fat dodgem cars, due to a well-timed promotion by Magnum.

Aside from being a hipster-worthy alternative to a safety island, the giant ice cream (which I believe was fake, otherwise there would a small menagerie of children hysterically clinging to its surface) also invited people to have a magnum dipped right in front of them!

That's so cool. It's like those fresh food stores abroad where you can see your live chicken being killed and diced right in front of you.

If you look to the right of the giant lolly stick, there's a seriously long queue of people. And I didn't join in. I generally get crushed by humans who fail to notice me, due to my diminutive size.

So I'll just leave you with another picture of satisfied humans, gold Magnum balloons and 2 clouds in the sky which look like potential UFOs.

Laters,

Elf Dryadalis

Chinatown Family Fun Day

Attention! I'm doing my best warrior impression.

These rather serious-looking guys behind me are statues of Chinese warriors (at least, I think they're statues. After all, people sometimes assume I'm a rag doll. They have no idea I write my own blog.)

They're guarding the place for Chinatown's Family Fun Day, which I visited last Sunday. I wanted to bring along my friend Minty the sheep, but she says that unlike the stereotype of her species, she doesn't like to follow the crowd.

And with live performances and other entertainments, boy was it crowded!

Damn, even the pandas came along. PANDAS. Those bamboo-eating dudes from China.

Not to mention this ingenious but ever-so-slightly-disturbing butterfly, which walked to and fro throughout Chinatown, humans scuttling out of the way. Being a brave and fearless elf, I went closer.

Smug elf. This butterfly does not scare me. Even though it's towering over everyone.

Okay. Now it's just a little bit too close for comfort.

Screw it! RUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

Home, safe and sound. I'll tell my grandelflings about my terrifying experiences.

Oh, and I do love freebies, and those lovely people at Chinatown were giving away these souvenir canvas bags. I was looking for Minty, to show her my swag, but that sheep has mysteriously disappeared and I can't find her.

Never mind.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis