Imperial War Museum

You know what? I have absolutely no idea what to write. I mean, yeah, sure, I can joke about buses that won't stop, and point out police horses, but how exactly do I go about introducing a museum dedicated to warfare?

I can't exactly say, 'Elf went to see the Imperial War Museum, and had a great time' because everyone will be up in arms (excuse the pun) and storm, 'Millions of people have died in conflicts across the world, and here you are, enjoying it as though it's entertainment'.

But then again, I also can't say, 'Elf went to see the Imperial War Museum, and despairs for mankind' because everyone will be asking, 'Is the museum really that awful?' when it isn't.

And then I'll have to fire these cannons at whoever asked that.

Only joking. You're very safe. I mean, look at the size of this mechanism. How exactly do you expect an elf like me to do anything with it?

Anyway. Let's go inside.

Now, when you first walk in, you either think it's an exhibition dedicated to stairs, or that Heathrow really has run out of room for more planes, and is stashing them here.

This says 'TV Press'. I pressed, but no TV came out.

This is a very sad exhibition. It's a plane which was shot down. It's weird, isn't it? Everyone (including me) is taking photos, and reading the little sign next to it, and thinking about the history. But the point is, someone died flying this plane. I think that maybe, even though museums are meant to bring us closer to history, the very fact that these objects are in a museum setting distances us from the real events. Perhaps it's better that way; it means we can take a step back and look at a highly emotional situation with more objectivity.

Now this is an interesting vehicle. The black round bit to the left of the photo is a seat; there are four of them inside the back. Quite frankly, if this were public transport I'd be complaining to TFL. Do you know what this vehicle actually is for?

(Here's a better picture of the seat, by the way. Not even a cushion with a dodgy pattern for your comfort.)

The outside of the vehicle might give you a clue. It's for desert camouflage - this is a Land Rover Snatch vehicle, used by British troops in Iraq. The sign says that these vehicles became known as 'mobile coffins' because they were so lightly armoured.

That puts groaning about the morning commute into context.

This rather unpleasant image dates back to the Second World War, which is why the Nazi symbol, the swastika, is displayed clutched by the bird's talons. Now, 70 years on, the swastika has become such a taboo symbol, that putting it in public view is likely to cause serious offence. Books containing Nazi propaganda, unless also containing rebuttals of those views, are taken out of circulating stock in libraries and bookstores. We forget that once, these symbols were seen, 'in real life' as it were. Displaying this sculpture is a great way to remind us of how much times have changed, and the power that symbols have when given historical significance.

You might be wondering whether or not to take children to the museum. Although there are exhibitions which children can see, and there were quite a few children when I went to visit, I'd suggest that you have a good look around yourself first. Some of the exhibitions cater to children well, such as the one on life in wartime Britain, which has interactive displays and lots for children to think about. However, some of the exhibitions probably aren't suitable for children to see. I'm not saying that kids should ignore what's happened in the past, but some of the more graphic exhibitions can be quite frightening, and probably best left until the child is older, or they'll have nightmares.

Then there's the question, 'What do I buy as a souvenir?'. There are a couple of gift shops which sell tasteful items, such as the keyring I'm wearing, as well as replicas of ration books, clothing, confectionery and books.

I'd advise you to plan at least 2 hours for your visit. I spent 3 there, looking though every single exhibition, and now I'm exhausted!

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis

Buses that won't drive off without you.

So.

You know when you're waiting in the London rain for a bus? You feel like you're standing, fully clothed (hopefully) under a freezing cold shower, splashes of muddy water soaking your socks, and arctic winds blowing into your face. That red beacon of warmth and hope seems so, so far away. You look at the indicator. It says the bus is due in a minute. The problem? It's been saying that for the past ten minutes. Or it could be the last few months. The icy water is leeching into your head and stopping you from thinking straight.

Finally, the bus arrives. You squeeze behind 10,456 other people also trying to get on, only to meet a wall of grumpy, squished commuter-sardine hybrids, each wearing an expression which should be weaponised by the Ministry of Defence.

So you stand, in your rain-soaked clothes, on a rain-soaked bus, and think, 'That's it. There's no point in waiting for 10 minutes/5 years for a bus that arrives late anyway.'

So the next day, you leisurely saunter out, and see the bus stop just down the road.

There's a problem. The bus is already there.

You run. You get muddy water all over you as you do your best impression of Usain Bolt.

You fall over.

You land on your bum.

In a muddy puddle.

And end up having to wait 5 years for the next bus anyway.

Sound familiar? Well, you're going to love these buses.

These small sculptures of routemaster buses are gaudily painted in a variety of colours, just to make you bitter and twisted about their relentless cheerfulness.

The design behind me shows day and nights, to highlight, I believe, the many days you must wait at a bus stop before your bus comes.

And here's another one, near Trafalgar Square, which shows the landmarks of London you could be touring whilst you wait behind Mr SmellyBreath for your ride home.

I mean, yeah, sure, you can't go anywhere on these. Each sculpture even has a prim little 'Do Not Climb' sign on its base, just in case you try.

But the best thing about these buses?

They can't drive off without you.

If you want to see more buses, I've generously, selflessly and philanthropically provided a link to the 'Sculpture Trails' website here. As you click the link, think of all 6.5 seconds your tireless Elf put in to provide it.

Hope you're feeling all warm and fuzzy inside,

Elf Dryadalis

Paddington Bear in London

So, my intrepid readers.

Into the darkness we go.

In darkest Peru, in deepest night.....

'Hey!,' you pipe up, 'it's blatantly daylight in your photo.'

Yes, yes, I know that, thanks. I mean, you don't seriously expect me to go out at night, do you? That's when I clamber up onto my bookshelf and sleep.

'Wait a second,' you say, eyes suddenly wide, 'there's a bear behind you! Run!'

Aha. So, in your desire to point out minute details, such as mistaking night for day, you overlook a giant threat to me. Uh-huh. A bear, in a yellow jacket, and a suspicious package which would certainly attract the attention of any security personnel.

My dear readers - relax.

This is a statue of Paddington Bear, who arrives at - you guessed it - Paddington in London, and is given a home by Mr and Mrs Brown. As you do.

He also likes marmalade sandwiches, and so his jacket's made out of orange slices.

You don't believe me? Do I actually have to go and point it out?

There.

Happy now? You know it took me an entire three seconds to walk up to the camera and point? Honestly. The things I do for this blog.

So - if you want to go and be greeted by a giant bear politely tipping its hat at you, go to Montague Street. Paddington Bear is right next to the British Museum, so you can even fit in a trip there too.

Oh, and if you want to see the actual Paddington Station, that's a considerable walk away. Best take the Tube.

And if you see any suspicious packages, report them to a member of staff or the police.

It might contain marmalade.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis

St Paul's Cathedral

Hello MTV, and welcome to my crib.

Not really. This is actually me standing outside St Paul's Cathedral, which sits on top of Ludgate Hill, apparently the highest point in the City of London.

It was designed by Christopher Wren, who clearly really liked columns, and had a cool name to boot.

I could go on about the religious and cultural significance of the cathedral, but hey, it's MY BLOG. Yeah. That'll tell 'em.

Things at St Paul's which would look really nice in my home

1.

That dome. So cool.

2.

These flowers. There's a lot of greenery around St Paul's, which at lunchtime becomes mysteriously inhabited by a mixture of rich city types, skint students, and not-so-skint-but-will-be-after-they've-bought-souvenirs-tourists.

3.

Such an awesome location. You're near several mainline stations, as well as quite a few tourist attractions. For example, the Tower of London is a short walk away. You can also, from my unique vantage point behind a pillar, engage in the minority sport of Backwatching. This involves, um, looking at people's backs and admiring their shirts. Pink-shirted guy, I'm looking at you.

Things at St Paul's which they can jolly well keep

1.

The size. This isn't the main entrance. It's actually a more-or-less hidden bit round the side. Can you imagine living in a place this big?

Scene: At Night.
Elf: Oh my word, I need to go pee!
Elf looks at map of own home.
Elf: Oh dearie me, it's 3 miles away!
Elf gets out GPS. Desperate look on face. Starts hiking.

Dramatic camerawork, sweeping over towers, domes, columns etc. Cut to reeeeeeeallly desperate look on Elf's face.

Elf: C'mon, sprint for the last stretch!

Slow-motion zoom onto Elf's face. Pained expression. Sound effects.

Can you imagine? CAN YOU IMAGINE???

2.

Rules and regulations.

No climbing? And here, dear readers, do I take action against such a rule. And you see me, before your very eyes, climbing all 4 feet onto a bannister. Come on. Such rules are meant to be broken. And besides, the guy on the sign looks like he's doing a sort of victory punch, so clearly, rebellion is cool.

3.

Having to direct visitors all over the place.

If I were to live in such a building, I wouldn't be so kind as to put up a sign like this. Oh no. I'd direct cafe-seekers to the toilets, gift-shop-searchers to the toilets, photographers to the toilets......you get the idea.
Then I'd tell them it's a THREE MILE HIKE.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis

Poppies at the Tower: Remembrance Day

On Sunday 11th November is the annual Remembrance Day, commemorating the moment when the guns on the Western Front fell silent after 4 years of war, 1914-1918.

This year at the Tower of London, a new exhibition, called 'Blood Swept Lands and Seas of Red' shows ceramic poppies progressively filling the moat until the number 888,246 is reached - the number of British casualties during the First World War. You can find out more at the link here.

I'm going to provide some information for you, in case you want to go (and I highly recommend it - it's extremely moving).

1) The crowds

It's recommended to visit before 10am, or after 6pm. I went at midday, and it was absolutely packed.
The wonderful thing, though, is that everyone was being really good natured and polite towards each other. When trying to reach the front, so I could take a picture, rather than the usual jostling on London's streets, people were actually moving aside to let me pass, and people were saying 'excuse me' and 'sorry' to each other. I think that the solemnity of the exhibition made everyone stop and think, and take time to be nicer to their fellow citizens. There was a helicopter hovering overhead too, possibly for security reasons, but there was no trouble that I could see.
So don't be put off by the crowds; everyone's very good-natured.

2) The views
This was the crowd diagonally opposite me (from the Tower Hill station direction). There, you get a decent enough view, but it must be hard to get to the front, no matter how friendly everyone's being. Tower Hill is also reportedly extremely busy. I walked here from my favourite station, Charing Cross, but I understand that if you're unfamiliar with London, it might be quite a daunting trek! Try Monument, Aldgate or Aldgate East stations instead. There are fewer crowds from the London Bridge station direction, so you could try there, too.

3) Can you walk amongst the poppies?
No, you can't get down there. Only VIPs like the Royal Family are seen doing that on TV (I zoomed in the path they'd probably take). I think that the impact is greater from above, since all the poppies really do seem to form a sea.

This has been quite a solemn post, and different from my usual style, but I wouldn't want to  miss out on including this in my blog.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis

Blackfriars Bridge

Yeah, so I'm just standing here with a dodgy line in facial hair.

It's okay, I haven't turned into a fascist, it's just windy.

Today Elfred was taking my photos, since, as a lovely treat, I decided to show him Blackfriars Bridge.

Well, what? Madame Tussauds, the London Eye and pretty much everywhere else costs money, and I'm not spending a penny on that horror of an elfling.

So Blackfriars Bridge it is.

It took 9,948 tries to get a picture of me without my hair blowing in front of my face. This is the best of them. Now it just looks like I'm sprouting strange vegetation from the top of my head.

'It's just so windy,' I apologised to Elfred, after I made him delete the 9,947th picture.

'I KNOW IT'S WINDY', the impatient elfing shouted, 'YOU'VE TOLD ME THIS A HUNDRED TIMES'.

You know what? This is the problem with the youth of today. They have such short fuses, and always want some new facts.

I did give him some, by the way. I'll even list them here, in case you and your elflings find yourself crossing the Thames at this point.

1. The bridge is 281m long.
2. Roberto Calvi's body was discovered swinging from one of the arches, with $14,000 in his pockets in 1982. The Mafia were suspected, but there wasn't enough evidence to convict anyone.
3. It used to be a toll bridge, but now it's free to cross, otherwise I wouldn't have bothered taking Elfred here.

Now, you're probably wondering what you're going to have for dinner tonight, and also why anyone would want to visit Blackfriars Bridge anyway.

For the first question, your partner informs me that unless you do your share of the washing up, you won't be getting ANYTHING.

As for the second, Blackfriars Bridge is situated close to St Paul's Cathedral (actually, if you look at the picture at the top of this post, you can see the dome of the cathedral in the top left-hand corner). If you're getting off at Blackfriars station anyway, it's well worth a look.

There's also a seating area on the bridge, equipped, as you can see, with a life belt in case you see any people drowning in the river. (You never know).

And it was here that Elfred and I sat down to eat our McDonald's.

With a money-off coupon.

Because I'm not spending money on that guy.

*Burp*

Do excuse me. It's just that these Big Macs are rather quite filling for an elf. I feel pretty bloated.

Oh my word.

I'm full of air.

Help!

I'm turning into a life belt!

PPPPPPAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP FFFFFFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Oh. Apologies for the smell.

'Ewwww!' squeals Elfred, 'it's so windy up here!'

'Honestly,' I say, 'stop repeating yourself'.

Best,

Elf Dryadalis