Bromley's Big Birdhouses

'OI!' you rudely say, interrupting my quiet cup of tea and lembas, 'That's not a birdhouse. It's the lovechild of a swimming pool and a spyhole'.

Well, yeah, it is. But it's for charity, and as we all know, that pretty much excuses anything. Except the time I turned up to the Elves' Charity Council Cake Sale with my homemade Leaf Lembas, and half the elflings got food poisoning from my efforts. But that's another story.

Anyway, this lovechild is the work of Becky Adlington, called 'Pool'. No, not poo. That's what pigeons leave on your car. Right now. Go and check.

Ha? You checked? I knew you would.

So - the gist of this is that famous people paint these ginourmous birdhouses, and then auction them off. As I understand it, not a single actual bird is going to buy one of these - shocking. It's like when people from abroad buy all our treehouses, then leave them empty, leaving native elves scrimping and saving, and then living in a box.

Shocking.

But at least we get to look at them. And very pretty they are too.

Yeah, that's a shark. On a birdbox. Painted to look like water.
And it's done by Steve Backshall, who is clearly nifty with a paintbrush, but is perhaps a little confused. I mean, he wants to save sharks, so puts them on a structure which will be on a treetop? Humans. I'll never understand them!

And here we have a traditional human sacrifice, once a year, when a large blue butterfly is offered up to the House of Black. A loud voice booms from the opening in the facade, and announces good harvests for the following 12 months. Not really. I made that up.

 It's actually the 'House of Flight', by George Clarke, but that's not half as exciting.

And here's new Government policy. With energy prices rising, and oil running out, the Winter Insulation Policy Guidelines state that all homes must be covered in multicoloured fur to keep them warm. The colours also help visibility from the road, thus saving the government millions of pounds in street lighting.

This prototype house, soon to be seen on every street near you, was designed by Jo Whiley.

And here's my favourite by far. It's by Konnie Huq, and depicts my childhood home, before I was whisked off to do stupid tours around London by some human. Alas for the trees of yore.

And the other side of this beautiful box depicts my revenge, when I marshal hordes of aliens to attack Planet Earth, and give Britain even worse weather than it's currently experiencing.

Finally, a plea. Give Nature a Home by the RSPB. That, by the way, includes wandering elves. Here's the RSPB website, and if you want to look at these homes for yourself, and possibly find that I may or may not have fictionalised some details in my picture descriptions, here's the Intu Shopping Centre's website here.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis

Hidden London: the New River Walk

'O', you cry, arms raised aloft in wonder, 'this can't be London! It's all so...........green'.

But I assure you, dear readers, that I am not deceiving you.

And here is the sign to prove it: Islington's New River Walk.

It's not actually new at all. It was opened in 1613 to be an artificial waterway to provide London with drinking water. Now it serves as a lovely oasis away from the hustle and bustle of the city.

I recommend going on a sunny day, not too warm, to enjoy the walk and the effects of sunlight through the leaves and water features. The walk also passes near to several shops, so you can even stop for refreshment along the way.

The path is paved, so it's an easy sort of ramble (unless you fall in the river, in which case, things might get a little difficult).

This is a little installation to keep an eye out for - it's a city for birds! I won't tell you exactly where it is, so as not to spoil the surprise, but it's quite easy to miss, so I'll tell you that it's fairly near the fountain.

There are also several benches to sit on, which is what I'll do now, and enjoy some lembas sandwiches whilst the sun shines.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis

West End Live!

Your intrepid Elf is always managing to squeeze into the best events around London for your reading pleasure. After all, being six inches tall and avoiding all ticket fees - 'Adult or child ticket?' 'Elf.', I do tend to go where no others can fit in.

However, I believe that an Elf must always pick his battles.

And with crazy queues, there was no point picking this one.

'What on earth is all this about?', I hear you cry, 'What is this exclusive and oh-so-desirable event?'

This one. West End Live (and squashed), when theatre productions around London come out of the stage doors and perform little extracts in Trafalgar Square.

It's free (yippee!) but so, so packed, and you have to queue for about 3 or 4 days to get in. As this is the last day for this year's events, your Elf tried to get a view by climbing the steps of the National Gallery. As you can see from the photo above, it didn't work.

But your Elf is not to be daunted! You see, there are two sites for West End Live. Trafalgar Square is the packed one, but Leicester Square, where I am now, is so much calmer. Leicester Square is where it all started, actually, but now it sits there empty and forlorn.

WHICH MEANS I HAVE THE BEST VIEWS.

Inside is a little exhibition of costumes etc, with little workshops for kids. Behind me are a tutu from Billy Elliot, and a blazer from Jersey Boys.

And, uhmm, Kinky Boots from Kinky Boots.

There was even a opportunity for a selfie.

The holes are very high up, just to warn you.

Actually, they're terrifying.

Anyway, onto other boards, there was one asking you to guess who on earth all these humans are. Apparently they're famous actors and actresses. They missed out Elf Dryadalis, who will top them all (given a ladder).

Ah. To finish off the day, here's me standing in front of the Olivier Award, in honour of all the acting I haven't done.

If you want to join the crowds, move quickly - after today (21/06/15 before any of you read this in the future and jump on me), West End Live won't be coming back till next year!

See you on the red carpet,

Elf Dryadalis

Pretty vintage car

Just a quick little post to point out this little vintage car I saw off Oxford Street recently - isn't it pretty?

Now, usually, I prefer to walk everywhere (that way, you don't run over any cats etc), but every so often there are these cute little vehicles that brighten up the streets.

I suggest that if you're interested in cars and want to see some, try Kensington for the supercars, and also have a look outside the Savoy hotel on the Strand, where there's usually one of the fancy hotel cars for you to have a little peek at.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis

VE Day: Celebrations in London!

Wahey! It's VE Day!

'What on earth is that?', you ask.

Victory in Europe day, my friends. It's when Britain was super-happy that the war was over. Though judging by the number of times humans and Britons get involved in war, you'd think that they actually like fighting and stuff.

Anyway, pessimism about the human race aside, VE Day means it's time for a PARTY.

And your Elf was there early to celebrate.

Trafalgar Square was of course decked out in bunting, with the obligatory red bus merrily chundling along behind.

More bunting. I realised that I'd got there so early, the party hadn't even started.

But at least there were some educational stands so that us early partygoers could learn whilst we waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And finally, having walked down to St James's Park a little while later, the road was closed to traffic (with cyclists merrily charging through the 'Road Closed' signs and dodging pedestrians), and people filled the area outside Buckingham Palace.

Elf has a theory. And that is that the Victory in Europe was not actually about the war, but more about the sales of ice cream. Look at this quaint little store! People were merrily queuing (another British pastime) for ice creams which would be eaten as soon as they were bought. Meaning they'd have to queue up again.

For you history fans out there: don't ask me what this plane is, except that it's old and in khaki. There were loads of old military vehicles around, with people in uniform explaining what they did, but the crowds were too large for me to hear. So anyway, it's a nice plane.

Look! What a nice plane.

A vehicle too, apparently a British-made general purpose truck.

More bunting!

And back to Trafalgar Square, where this cool band was playing (these are the plain blue steps from earlier in the post). They're playing modern music, and the Square was packed.

Well, I'm just off to watch them a little while longer, and soak up the atmosphere.

Happy VE Day!

Elf Dryadalis

Game of Thrones-esque wildlife

So. You're sitting in St James's Park, enjoying your ice cream and telling yourself that it doesn't break your diet rules because ice cream is, after all, mostly ice, and reading a novel of doubtful intellectual value.

Life is bliss.

UNTIL THE GIANT CROW COMES.

'Excuse me,' you splutter politely, 'is that a euphemism?'

Absolutely not, you disgusting elfling. It most certainly isn't.

You've been watching far too much Game of Thrones.

But anyway, if giant crows are your kind of thing, and you want to do what Bran Stark does without all the polar trekking, then go to St James's Park this instant, because with visitor number soaring due to the warm (in Britain, warm means anything above freezing point) means that there are plenty of tourists and lunchers merrily feeding these giant birds of doom.

You have been warned.

Till next time,

Elf Dryadalis

London's burning, London's burning......

 Ah, yea fellow elves, we are in mortal peril.

Last week, Kingsway (no, not a drunk monarch, the busy road in Central London) caught fire. Literally. There was a gas main underneath the road, which ignited when an electrical spark decided to escape.

Businesses were shut, libraries evacuated, and we saw some pretty cool fire engines out on the roads, looking butch.

The roads were full of official-looking people in bright jackets, either as a safety measure or a fashion statement.

So what did Londoners do whilst their lives were in potential peril?

They stood around and watched.

And took pictures (like your good elf here did).

And moved closer to the fire to check it out like it was the hottest thing since the last pavement fire.

The smoke was blowing all over the very centre of London - this is the view from outside the Royal Courts of Justice. It isn't fog, and those aren't all clouds.

The smell was like sulphur mixed with Uncle Elfard's farts. I was about to put a knitted scarf over my face to keep out the fumes before realising that I myself am knitted.

So convenient!

Oh, and by the way, the road's still closed.

Enjoy your journey.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis