Forbidden Planet: not actually a planet.

So. It's way too early in the morning, and I'm standing outside a shop. Voluntarily.


Now, what are the likely reasons for such strange behaviour? Please choose the likely answer from below.

1. Kim Kardashian is inside, filming her latest attempt to break the internet.
2. It's raining outside, and inside looks dry.
3. Kim Kardashian is outside, filming her latest attempt to break the internet, and inside looks safe.
4. There's merchandise inside I want to buy.

Now, if it's 1. or 3. you selected, you have spent too long on the internet. Your cat needs feeding. Go to her now.

If it's 2. you selected, you have spent too long in London. Go home. Oh, London is your home? That's awkward.

If it's 4. you selected, you have spent too long on this blog. I love you. Please, never change.

So, this is Forbidden Planet on Shaftesbury Avenue, in Central London. It sells all kinds of movie merchandise, comic merchandise, TV merchandise..........you get the idea.

And their window displays entice you closer - but what I like is that they actually put the prices in the window display. Most shops don't. It's only until you walk in and realise that you have to sell your cat to afford anything (well, you never feed her anyway, you horrible specimen of Mordor) that you take a step back in horror and become all Gollum-like - 'We wants it, yessss, my preccccccccciiiiiiiiiiiiiouuuuuuuuuuuuussssssssss'. Most unfair.

With the prices in the window, you can do that outside.

And return after the sale of Mr Tibbles........

TO BUY ALL OF THIS.

So, I've always wanted a pet human, and I got one, and he's called Jaime Lannister. We're the same height! Isn't that great? I suggest that all elves get a pet human. The ones from Forbidden Planet tend to have difficulty thinking/getting outside the box for some reason, but you can't have everything!

The sword is to defend my homeland, conquer other peoples' homelands, and to, umm, open letters.

I even got a pack of cards. They say 'You win or you die' which I think is an excellent intimidation strategy against my opponent in Snap. The cards have the Jacks, Queens, Kings, Aces and Jokers emblazoned with pictures of the main characters. I love how Cersei is on both the Baratheon and Lannister cards, in a valiant attempt to avoid giving away spoilers.

Oh, and she's quite fit too. Don't tell Jaime I said that.

And finally, in case Jaime does find out and I have to make my escape, I have a travel pass holder to help me travel in style.

And in the worst case scenario, I can jump inside the sturdy plastic bag my purchases came in.

He'll never find me there.

See you later,

Elf Dryadalis

There's something not quite right about this building.

Aha! I thought I might be seeing you again.

Why do you keep looking to the left of the picture? Is there something wrong?

'Yes!', you all cry, hysterical. 'That building is FLOATING'.

Why, indeed it is. How fascinating.

The angle of this picture also looks like it's about to move sideways, like a giant diabolical piano, and take the tops of my ears off.

It is basically the apocalypse.

So there's only one thing for an intrepid elf like me: get in closer.

(Don't ask me why there's always a guy's head in the corner. I don't know. Maybe I should get a better photographer.)

Anyway, until Mario Testino comes to offer his services to me, we'll just grin and bear it.

The building behind me (or, at least, what's left of it) is a tourist magnet, as crowds of people flock towards this structure which probably roasts and toasts health and safety officers for a living.

Naturally, the logical thing to do in this instance would be to run. I had the great misfortune to watch 'Pompeii' during the summer, and if there's one thing I learned, it's to move away, not towards, any collapsing building.

Yeah, but then again, life's too short. And possibly about to get even shorter, if that column above gives way.

WELCOME TO LONDON. THIS IS WHAT THE ENTIRE CITY LOOKS LIKE INDOORS.

Heh.

Heh.

Heh.

Not really, honest!

You can't go inside the building (I mean, why would you want to?) but the interior is exposed, and you can stick your fancy camera into all the nooks and crannies. Then go home, and tell your family that this was the hotel you stayed in.

And be banned from travelling ever again.

By this point, you probably think I have bats for brains for going in so close. And so I must inform you of the truth.

My head is full of polyester stuffing, not bats.

Oh, and as for the building, it's actually an installation by Alex Chinneck, whom I shall not be hiring as an architect anytime soon. I mean, how exactly do you explain something like this to the surveyors? 'Oh, it's not really an extension, it's a sort of hovering attic, you know?'

It's modelled on the Marked Building in Covent Garden, which is where it is, and you can see it, free of charge, till the end of October. The installation is called, 'Take my lightning, but don't steal my thunder', which is just asking for trouble from the British weather.

I think I'll run back to the safety of four solid walls.

Best,

Elf Dryadalis

Moomin Shop

'That's it, I'm leaving,' you say, finger poised to close your web browser in disgust,'Elf's gone flirting again'.

Relax, dear readers. Unstoppably attractive, handsome, sexy and aesthetically perfect as I am - why are you whispering, 'But hardly modest, you little bugger' ? - I must say that Moomintroll is not the latest of my romantic conquests.

No - I am in fact at the Moomin shop in Covent Garden, which does a roaring trade in smuggling little hippopotami (hippopotamuses? hippoppoppoooie.......never mind), out of Finland, packaging them up and selling them to Tourists Who Do Not Know.

Kind of.

In fact, up these stairs, as you may have guessed from the rather in-your-face arrow, is The Moomin Shop, which sells keyrings, mugs, books.......pretty much anything which may be adorned with a Moomin.

In my book, that's pretty much everything.

And here are Moomintroll and Snorkmaiden, cowering beneath a tree as they listen to tales of an elf sneaking around in the woods. Listening in, I get kind of frightened as well.

Apparently, it's around 6 inches high, with blonde hair and a green cloak.

That's bloomin' scary.

If you see it, please let me know so I can make my escape.

If you're planning to visit this shop, you probably need to sell your house, cat and grandmother. It's very expensive. If you don't want to be shocked when you turn up, look on the website first, which I have selflessly and tirelessly provided the link for here (it took an entire 15 seconds, you know).

I also searched the shop high and low for something that can be bought without selling Mr Tibbles, and alas - a small blue eraser, with Moomintroll moomin' on it (you get what I mean. No? Never mind) and the words 'The Moomin Shop, London' on it too. That's just in case you forget which shop would sell you something with a Moomin on it, and you go round the whole of London searching for it, only for someone to suggest, 'Ummm.....the Moomin shop?', and you go round the whole of London kicking yourself for not realising.

That's why the wording is there.

Anyway - the eraser is 60p, perfectly affordable (as in, it's pretty much how much you'd expect to pay for an eraser).


Now, what exactly can I erase?

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis