London's Heathrow Airport

I hate airports.

They're the places you go when your winged unicorn is sick, or your broomstick's broken, or your magic carpet's got holes.

When all these conventional methods of transportation are denied you, you go to the airport.

The airport is a sign of FAILURE.

And here I am, at London's Heathrow Airport, Terminal 5, since my unicorn went on strike for better working conditions and more glitter.

I've just gone through customs, which is a rather unpleasant experience. Basically, your human dumps their bag, coat and electronics, as well as you, into a plastic box, a bit like a school dinner tray with evil intentions, and shoves the whole thing through an x-ray machine.

So now some staff at Heathrow presumably know that I ate lembas for breakfast, am not carrying any weapons, and have a head full of wool.

And now I can chill out with my best gangsta pose by the shops. They sell an odd assortment of products, these shops. You can get a multipack of Kitkats, so you can stuff yourself throughout the flight, or a designer bag, in which to sleep in during the flight (so long as you're elf-sized).

There's free wi-fi, but it doesn't work. I wiggled my ears left, right and centre to try and pick up the signals, but no. Apparently the wi-fi is incompatible with elves.

And now for the ultimate indignity.

To get to some of the gates (mine was in section C), you have to get there via a transit train, a bit like a London Underground train with a very short track.

It was kind of busy, and my human was worried about me falling though the gap, so she picked me up.

She picked me up.

SHE PICKED ME UP!!!

No one tosses a dwarf, and no one picks up an elf.

The picture above is testimony to my suffering.

And finally, onto the plane. I travel economy. Now, everyone complains about the lack of legroom in economy, but quite frankly, I don't see what they're complaining about. As you can see, there is plenty of space to run around, play football and race a horse.

Once I went first class, and got lost somewhere between the armrest and the oxygen mask.

And the food included lobster, which is a type of gigantic monster twice the size of the average elf.

Oh no. Economy is great.

At this point during the flight, I decided it was high time for a skydive. Just look at those clouds! It would be like the ultimate trampoline.

But alas, I couldn't open the window. I should put in a complaint.

Anyway, when I get to my destination I think I might write a special series of posts from Abroad. Keep your eyes peeled, your seatbelts fastened and that bungee rope steady.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis

Chinese New Year in Chinatown 2015

Happy Chinese New Year!

Oh, you're not Chinese?

Well, Happy Chinese New Year anyway! It means lots of food, celebrations and general well-mannered revelry.

You can't turn that down.

'Elf', you say quizzically, 'where is your beautiful face to adorn this blog post? Where were you in Chinatown?'

I was here. 5th row back, amongst the crowd.

Can you see me?

No?

How could you not?

Anyway. I think I have successfully made the point that Chinese New Year celebrations are extremely crowded.

Keep an eye on your elflings.

Or they might get eaten by these psychedelic fish.

Fish are associated in Chinese culture with wealth, so they're popular motifs even though it's not actually year of the fish or anything.

It's Year of the Sheep.

So here we have a giant duck.

And a phoenix.

And a dragon.

And some children.

Ah, here we go, a sheep!

'That's a ram,' you say, refering to your zoology textbooks in a haste, 'it can't be Year of the Sheep'.

Well let me tell you, o humans, that the basic word for sheep, ram and goat is the same in Chinese. So take your pick.

And if the argument gets too heated, here's the Fire Brigade station in Soho opening up its doors.

Ahh. A rest under the pagoda. Nice and shaded.

That's what the pagoda looks like from the outside, in case you were wondering. You weren't? Oh well. Indulge, my friends, indulge.

And when you're walking down the street, keep an eye out for the traditional lion dances - it's believed that they bring good fortune to businesses they visit. Businesses used to dangle a red envelope and lettuce (hey, veganism is the rage, even for lions, didn't you know), and the lion would shred it. I didn't see any businesses doing that this year though, since it's probably counted as littering now. That's a shame. You should see the mess elves make during our annual festivals of starlight. But anyway...............

A bonus picture - lion heads.

Not made from real lions.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis