Christmas in London

"Hey!," you cry, both alarmed and angry, 'I've been waiting for you to post for months. Every day, I've clicked onto your blog in feverish anticipation of hearing about your travels, and what do you reward me with? NOTHING.''

Well, fear  not, dear reader. Here is a bumper round up of the best Christmas decorations in London this year, with pictures taken by yours truly.

First off, Bond Street, which never fails to impress (since they use the same decorations every year, heh heh).

These charming peacock lights are there to remind you of opulence and luxury, since Bond Street is famous for its jewellers.

Their colour also reminds you of diamonds, which Elf is unlikely ever to be able to afford. Donations welcome.

Away from Elf's finances, we move onto Carnaby Street, which has thought, 'Screw you, Christmas, I'll celebrate MYSELF'.

And moving on from this shameless consumerism, which is what Christmas is all about (who's that? Jesus?), we go now to Covent Garden, which has terrifyingly large bunches of mistletoe hanging about, in what was clearly an overly-enthusiastic GM experiment.

As well as a huge reindeer!!! Definitely visit this one late for the best lighting.

Of course, no roundup would be good without Oxford Street:

Which has gone for the snowball theme. I must admit, I was expecting something a little more spectacular, but that's for Regent Street to deliver.

A fantastic, moving light show after dark, and eco-friendly sparkly things in the day. Everyone's a winner.

And onto Slingsby Place, which wins for the best hidden gem:

Then Store Street:

I saw these being put up. They literally needed those extending crane things.

And here, Strand:

Pretty icicles. This year's been very impressive!

And finally, onto Trafalgar Square:

Merry Christmas!

Elf Dryadalis

Middle Temple (Open House London)

Barrister Elf.

That has quite a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

I'm also really good at arguing in defence (of myself), especially against the charming Elfina, my wife.

Surely I'm qualified.

Anyway, if you're wondering why I'm talking about law, when I wander the streets like an outlaw (ha ha! geddit? no? fine), it's because I've gone to look round Middle Temple, one of four Inns of Court which have the exclusive right to call people to the English bar as barristers.

That's barristers.

Not baristas.

So once again, like Temple Church, Middle Temple has a good series of informative displays. There were also lots of shiny leaflets too, which is what Elf likes, so you can read at your own pace and not have to keep up with a tall human guides on your 2-inch long knitted legs.

Here's Charles I on a horse. This painting takes pride of place in the hall, and I have heard that this Charles I was quite short. Just like Elf. Okay, maybe not that short, but he's got my vote anyway.

Now, if you go there yourself, which I highly recommend, make sure to check out the ceilings. This one reminds you of what country you're in, which is highly useful.

This one is patterned like that luxury toilet paper you can get for about £3 a roll.

Oh no.

Now these lawyers are going to sue Elf for defamation.

But Elf has practised his powers of oratory against the lovely Elfina.

BRING IT ON.

And here's Elf hiding. From a wig. And a human hand. Going for the wig. This is all becoming a bit strange.

What this actually is is a chance to try on robes and wigs, but I quite like my woolly cloak. It looks a lot warmer than those robes, don't you think?

Whist Elf was there, the fire alarm went off. In an attempt to get the very best photos for this blog, I kept snapping as we (very, very) slowly evacuated. Hence the camera shake.

I risk my life for this blog.

Anyways - if there really were a fire, we'd all be dead. No arguing about that. Actually, as the staff were telling people 'We're evacuating', visitors were walking, straight past the staff, in an attempt to see more of the architecture, completely ignorant of the potential mortal peril.

And it was a wooden building too.

A wooden building.

*shakes head*

Elf Dryadalis

Royal Courts of Justice (Open House London)

So - I've been accepted at Hogwarts.

Just joking (sadly).

I'm actually standing outside the Royal Courts of Justice, open this weekend as part of Open House London. I was here a while back, actually, trying to get justice for the last time uncle Elfard farted right outside my home, and I couldn't leave the house for weeks until I'd ordered in air freshener.

Anyway.

Because the Royal Courts of Justice are, to say the least, rather high-profile, they take their security seriously.

In my guidebook, it says that 'any knives brought in will be confiscated'.

I mean, I wasn't planning to bring in a knife, but hey, thanks for the idea.

When you enter, you're met by airport-style bag and body scans. You have to put your bag through an x-ray machine (so now everyone knows that I have lembas for lunch, and a comb for my beautiful hair in my bag), and also walk through an x-ray machine yourself, to check for knives or Bad Things.

They only found wool inside me, so I was fine.

There's a 'no photography' rule inside, which is a kind of pity, because the architecture is stunning. If you want to have a look around, you need to get there by 3:30pm today (19/09/15, in case anyone reads this in a year's time, turns up and then tries to kick me for providing false information).

Of course, everyone promptly ignored the 'no photography' rule, but I didn't, because what would I do if I were caught?

Go on the run.................into the nearest courtroom?

Oh, no siree.

Anyway - I did have a look around the courtrooms, ignoring the provided map and thus getting rather quite lost. I almost wet myself, then realised that there were conveniently provided and signed toilets nearby so I was okay.

There were lots of guides around as well, and an exhibit of court robes to look round. Get there if you can!

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis

Roman Baths (Open House London)

I have something to confess.

I haven't taken a bath.

Ever.

Right. Now, if you're okay with my lack of elfish hygiene (in my defence, I take ages to dry), please join me in my tour of The 'Roman' Bath along Strand Lane.

It's open as part of the Open House event which takes place this very weekend, when loads of buildings in London let you look around them for free. I decide to take this opportunity to learn about Romans, and possibly take a bath too.

Now this looks promising. Having descended a treacherously steep flight of stairs down Surrey Street, I enter a very damp, small building (even the leaflets were damp - no bath sponges though) with the plaque reading 'Frigidarium' and 'Roman Bath'.

However, I have been deceived.

Firstly, there is absolutely no way I am bathing in this. I want a jacuzzi, with softly glowing candles and gentle music playing. Probably some bubbles too.

And instead, I find out that this is actually a feeder cistern for a grotto-fountain at the old Somerset House.

People did bathe in this though - it's mentioned in David Copperfield. 

Yuk!

Again, yuk.

I am never going to take a bath. Ever.

Anyway, another thing I found out was that this isn't actually a Roman relic at all. From the helpful guides pinned up along the wall, I find out that Stuarts and Georgians used to bathe in this (yes, the water was cold - hence 'frigidarium' or 'cold room' or 'yuk, I'm never going to bathe, ever' - I may have made the last translation up), and it allowed people to let their imaginations of the Roman past run riot.

Things I do really like are the bathroom tiles. Isn't this cute?

Oh, and I don't have jaundice, by the way. It's just the lighting. Promise.

There's a light source here too, which is kinda roman. Kinda. As in, Romans used to make great use of lighting in their baths, letting shadows and light play off against each other whilst they soaked.

Then again, they also used to make lions and gladiators play off against each other too, so I'm not sure if any of their ideas are worth copying.

And certainly don't copy the unfortunate William Wendell, MP for Malton, who died in the bath in May 1792.

That really would ruin bathtime.

If you want to find out more, have a look at these websites:

http://www.kcl.ac.uk/cultural/culturalinstitute/showcase/current/kei/artsdigital/virtualbathing/index.aspx

https://kcl.academia.edu/MichaelTrapp (bottom of page) - Professor Trapp has obsessively researched the 'Roman Bath' and is also the guy who wrote the information signs pinned on the walls. He's also there this Saturday to answer your questions.

http://www.londonmylondon.co.uk/?p=2954

 I'm off next to the Royal Courts of Justice - see you soon!

Elf Dryadalis

Maughan Library (Open House London)

If you've read the Da Vinci Code, you'll know two things:

1. You should be ashamed of yourself for reading such a book.
2. The Maughan Library in central London features as a research area.

It's specifically the Round Reading Room which appears in Dan Brown's novel. Now, usually, you have to be a student at King's College London to get into this room, but before you rush off to take 135,234 A-Levels and gain a place there, note that this library is also open to the public during Open House Weekend.

And, lacking any A-Levels, though I do have some excellent grades in the little-known alternative, 'Elf Levels', I did avail myself of the opportunity to look round this building.

Upon arrival, you are given a leaflet outlining the tour route of the Maughan, as well as a thoughtful list of other King's College London buildings taking part in Open House.

And so off you go, ready to probe the mysteries of this ridiculously large building.

It is signposted, but watch out for the swing doors - they are everywhere, and very heavy. It's to make the place fireproof, but I do believe this is a conspiracy to also make it elf-proof, since I could barely push them open.

But my word, it's worth the effort.

Check out this room!

It's like what happens when you have a home improvement show with a massive budget, and all these interior designers chipping in and adding 'statement pieces', till you get some crazy mashup of everything you've ever seen on Songs of Praise and Bargain Hunt.

You know when they're always warning you on the news about not leaving glass paperweights near sunlight?

WHAT ABOUT THESE?!

Sunlight everywhere, coloured glass everywhere, my word, I could have died, the things I do for this blog.

So I scurry into the much safer-looking basement. Here, you can see students' lockers (don't all take photos at once), and an original cell, which is a grim structure that once had parchment stacked on it.

At this point, I couldn't resist going off-route and looking at their books.

The shelving even has this weird sort of ferris wheel/rocking horse for Elf to climb on, which is very considerate and appreciated.

And here, the piece de resistance.

The Da Vinci Code Room/ Round Reading Room/Dumbledore's Office Thingy Place.

Yup. Students study here!


What a waste. Elf thinks it would be the perfect place for a rave.

I asked one of the volunteers (who are actually library staff - yeah - actually, real library staff, in their natural habitat!) what these books were on, expecting The Life and Times of Elf Dryadalis to feature prominently, possibly with multiple copies. It turns out it's just a variety of reference books, with my autobiography nowhere to be seen.

Rubbish.

 See you after I've requested that my life story be ordered for the library immediately,

Elf Dryadalis

Temple Church (Open House London)

'Temple Church?!', you cry in outrage, 'What religion is this? Is it a temple, or a church?'

Well, I shall enlighten you (no religious pun intended).

It's a Church, at Temple, built in the 12th century. Yup, that Temple Church, by the guys of the Knights Templar!

Now usually, Elf wouldn't go poking around these places (in actual fact, your faithful blogger didn't even realise the place was there). But Open House London lets you look around all these great examples of architecture, for free.

Now, a free day out in London? You'd be an orc to miss it.

So here I am inside, enjoying a talk about the history of Temple Church. The books behind me are Bibles (not Elf's autobiography - but one day, one day my people), and yes, for the doubters amongst you, the pews are real wood.

Open House London is actually over for this year, so don't hate on me if you turn up at these buildings and ask why you are being rebuffed at the entrances. Of course, this means that when the buildings are open, they are more or less packed. My advice? Go early, and prioritise the ones you really want to visit. Some are normally open to the public, so leave those till last.

Isn't this stunning? The church can be hired as a wedding venue, but only for members of the Inner and Middle Temples (so become a barrister, fast). There are also music events, and a helpful guy at the exit handed out flyers for this as we left.

The Open House weekend was well-organised, in that it allowed visitors to either wander around freely, taking photographs, or even go on a tour. Elf was looking for the event which taught people how to spell 'Triforium', but alas, it seemed this wasn't catered for.

The Ten Commandments are also on display. I would like to make a funny joke about how there's a cross right over them, but I won't.

There is also a good representation of my fellow magical creature, the Pegasus. Though I would like to add that Percy Pegasus doesn't usually look that good, especially not in the morning.

Finally, I leave you as I've got a lot of information posters to read through. I was hoping that this one on the 'Guardian of England' would be a sort of film noir version of 'Guardians of the Galaxy', but maybe not this time.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis

Bromley's Big Birdhouses

'OI!' you rudely say, interrupting my quiet cup of tea and lembas, 'That's not a birdhouse. It's the lovechild of a swimming pool and a spyhole'.

Well, yeah, it is. But it's for charity, and as we all know, that pretty much excuses anything. Except the time I turned up to the Elves' Charity Council Cake Sale with my homemade Leaf Lembas, and half the elflings got food poisoning from my efforts. But that's another story.

Anyway, this lovechild is the work of Becky Adlington, called 'Pool'. No, not poo. That's what pigeons leave on your car. Right now. Go and check.

Ha? You checked? I knew you would.

So - the gist of this is that famous people paint these ginourmous birdhouses, and then auction them off. As I understand it, not a single actual bird is going to buy one of these - shocking. It's like when people from abroad buy all our treehouses, then leave them empty, leaving native elves scrimping and saving, and then living in a box.

Shocking.

But at least we get to look at them. And very pretty they are too.

Yeah, that's a shark. On a birdbox. Painted to look like water.
And it's done by Steve Backshall, who is clearly nifty with a paintbrush, but is perhaps a little confused. I mean, he wants to save sharks, so puts them on a structure which will be on a treetop? Humans. I'll never understand them!

And here we have a traditional human sacrifice, once a year, when a large blue butterfly is offered up to the House of Black. A loud voice booms from the opening in the facade, and announces good harvests for the following 12 months. Not really. I made that up.

 It's actually the 'House of Flight', by George Clarke, but that's not half as exciting.

And here's new Government policy. With energy prices rising, and oil running out, the Winter Insulation Policy Guidelines state that all homes must be covered in multicoloured fur to keep them warm. The colours also help visibility from the road, thus saving the government millions of pounds in street lighting.

This prototype house, soon to be seen on every street near you, was designed by Jo Whiley.

And here's my favourite by far. It's by Konnie Huq, and depicts my childhood home, before I was whisked off to do stupid tours around London by some human. Alas for the trees of yore.

And the other side of this beautiful box depicts my revenge, when I marshal hordes of aliens to attack Planet Earth, and give Britain even worse weather than it's currently experiencing.

Finally, a plea. Give Nature a Home by the RSPB. That, by the way, includes wandering elves. Here's the RSPB website, and if you want to look at these homes for yourself, and possibly find that I may or may not have fictionalised some details in my picture descriptions, here's the Intu Shopping Centre's website here.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis