British Museum Part 1: Really Ancient Human Stuff

 If you were a dog, you'd be delighted.

'Why?' you ask, ears pricked up and tongue sticking out slightly.

Because, my four-legged friend, there are eight columns forming the main facade of the British Museum.

'So what does that mean?', you ask, tail now wagging in anticipation.

Well, you get so much choice as to which column to pee against!!!

Joy!!!

And with that, I welcome you to the British Museum.

PUT THAT DOWN. IT'S NOT A CHEW TOY.

These rather abstract, Henry Moore-esque figurines are not a new means to make playtimes more fun.

They're actually ancient - in fact, so ancient that the Powers That Be have seen fit to stick them behind a glass screen, just in case they see fit to walk out of the Museum, Freedom Passes in hand, and go on a 'Coffin Dodgers' Rampage'.

Talking of coffin dodgers, these figurines may well have lain in graves.

Or been decorations.

Or gifts.

Or offerings.

Or............well, the general explanation is that they are 'ritual objects', which is code for, 'I don't have a flaming clue'.

Elf's theory is that these are actually life-size models of elves, made when humans first discovered us.

Meanwhile, these rather imposing vases were made 3 million years ago, formed from star dust when the alien species Homo Sapiens crash-landed on the planet and took over.

Sort of.

Anyway, the point is, they're really old (this might be a theme in the British Museum..........) and have undergone restoration. You see the one to my left (your right, woof), which has an intricate pattern broken up by large plain areas?

The plain bits are because the original patterned sections have broken away and been lost. The excuse the restorers give is that a restorers shouldn't try to hide that an object has been restored, and besides, how the hell are they going to spend 13794 hours drawing in the patterns again?

Elf knows better. The plain areas actually had money-off coupons glued to them, which archaeologists cut out to save themselves money at the Cash 'n' C'Agora.

See what I did there? Don't all die of laughter at once, for my sake, please.

This dude has blatantly nicked my hairstyle.

I contacted lawyers, but they just laughed (and billed me for it).

So I took matters into my own hands.

Don't mess with Elf.

See you later,

Elf Dryadalis