Christmas Trees of London 2014

It's time for another countdown. This time, of the Christmas Trees of London (oh, you already worked that out from the post title? Well, aren't you smart.). We start off, as ever, with the most visually offensive, aesthetically shocking and plain revolting, before gliding upwards to levels of sublime bliss. Sort of.

4. Fenwick

What. Is. This.

I mean, what is it?

It's like what happens when you feed a flock of pigeons a mixture of glitter and laxatives, then let them loose on a tree.

Tinsel overload, people. I appreciate the 45,673 hours it took to hang up all those little balls of Christmas spirit, but sometimes, when it comes to white baubles, less is more.

3. Trafalgar Square

Umm, okay, when I advocated 'Less is more', I didn't mean to more or less leave the tree plain! Honestly. You just can't win.

This homage to lights in straight lines looks utterly underwhelming, until you put it in context next to the National Gallery and the rest of the Square. Like this.

Ahh. That's cuter. And it looks even better at night.

Don't hate the blur, people. That's just enthusiastic camera shake. And trying not to get run over whilst taking the photo.

2. The British Library

It twinkles. It sparkles. It's so dark you can't even see the tree.

This is why fairy lights were invented. So you don't walk into a 10ft concoction of pine needles on your way to find the perfect book.

Here we have a lovely show of what happens when you carefully place fairy lights, but don't make it too obvious that you've stressed for half a year over precisely how to display the darn things. So it looks almost random, like you haven't stressed for half a year.

But people will know you've stressed for half a year. Because it doesn't look like you've stressed...........oh, you get what I mean.

1. Fortnum & Masons

'You filthy hypocrite', you cry, fingers pointed accusingly at the Fenwick/Fortnum tree similarities, 'This one looks like the pigeons have been smoking something illegal'.

Ah, yes. There are white baubles, fairy lights and a very fat tree. But alas, dear readers, notice the difference. This tree looks so inviting. The baubles are well-spaced out, so it doesn't look messy, and the fairy lights light up the background so the whole monstrosity, sorry, display, looks like a postcard picture.

The tree is inside Fornum and Masons, and it's free to look at. I emphasise this, because if you do go inside, thinking you'll look at the tree and then maybe pick up a gift or two, FORGET IT.

Unless, of course, you are a multi-millionaire, in which case donations are gladly accepted, with Elf's deepest gratitude. (If you don't wish to donate, please list your reasons for not doing so on the back of a £50 note and send it to me. I'll be sure to read each one very carefully).

Because everything here costs about a zillion pounds, even the chocolates. And the baubles aren't exactly cheap either.

At least it's free to look.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis