St Paul's Cathedral

Hello MTV, and welcome to my crib.

Not really. This is actually me standing outside St Paul's Cathedral, which sits on top of Ludgate Hill, apparently the highest point in the City of London.

It was designed by Christopher Wren, who clearly really liked columns, and had a cool name to boot.

I could go on about the religious and cultural significance of the cathedral, but hey, it's MY BLOG. Yeah. That'll tell 'em.

Things at St Paul's which would look really nice in my home

1.

That dome. So cool.

2.

These flowers. There's a lot of greenery around St Paul's, which at lunchtime becomes mysteriously inhabited by a mixture of rich city types, skint students, and not-so-skint-but-will-be-after-they've-bought-souvenirs-tourists.

3.

Such an awesome location. You're near several mainline stations, as well as quite a few tourist attractions. For example, the Tower of London is a short walk away. You can also, from my unique vantage point behind a pillar, engage in the minority sport of Backwatching. This involves, um, looking at people's backs and admiring their shirts. Pink-shirted guy, I'm looking at you.

Things at St Paul's which they can jolly well keep

1.

The size. This isn't the main entrance. It's actually a more-or-less hidden bit round the side. Can you imagine living in a place this big?

Scene: At Night.
Elf: Oh my word, I need to go pee!
Elf looks at map of own home.
Elf: Oh dearie me, it's 3 miles away!
Elf gets out GPS. Desperate look on face. Starts hiking.

Dramatic camerawork, sweeping over towers, domes, columns etc. Cut to reeeeeeeallly desperate look on Elf's face.

Elf: C'mon, sprint for the last stretch!

Slow-motion zoom onto Elf's face. Pained expression. Sound effects.

Can you imagine? CAN YOU IMAGINE???

2.

Rules and regulations.

No climbing? And here, dear readers, do I take action against such a rule. And you see me, before your very eyes, climbing all 4 feet onto a bannister. Come on. Such rules are meant to be broken. And besides, the guy on the sign looks like he's doing a sort of victory punch, so clearly, rebellion is cool.

3.

Having to direct visitors all over the place.

If I were to live in such a building, I wouldn't be so kind as to put up a sign like this. Oh no. I'd direct cafe-seekers to the toilets, gift-shop-searchers to the toilets, photographers to the toilets......you get the idea.
Then I'd tell them it's a THREE MILE HIKE.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis

Poppies at the Tower: Remembrance Day

On Sunday 11th November is the annual Remembrance Day, commemorating the moment when the guns on the Western Front fell silent after 4 years of war, 1914-1918.

This year at the Tower of London, a new exhibition, called 'Blood Swept Lands and Seas of Red' shows ceramic poppies progressively filling the moat until the number 888,246 is reached - the number of British casualties during the First World War. You can find out more at the link here.

I'm going to provide some information for you, in case you want to go (and I highly recommend it - it's extremely moving).

1) The crowds

It's recommended to visit before 10am, or after 6pm. I went at midday, and it was absolutely packed.
The wonderful thing, though, is that everyone was being really good natured and polite towards each other. When trying to reach the front, so I could take a picture, rather than the usual jostling on London's streets, people were actually moving aside to let me pass, and people were saying 'excuse me' and 'sorry' to each other. I think that the solemnity of the exhibition made everyone stop and think, and take time to be nicer to their fellow citizens. There was a helicopter hovering overhead too, possibly for security reasons, but there was no trouble that I could see.
So don't be put off by the crowds; everyone's very good-natured.

2) The views
This was the crowd diagonally opposite me (from the Tower Hill station direction). There, you get a decent enough view, but it must be hard to get to the front, no matter how friendly everyone's being. Tower Hill is also reportedly extremely busy. I walked here from my favourite station, Charing Cross, but I understand that if you're unfamiliar with London, it might be quite a daunting trek! Try Monument, Aldgate or Aldgate East stations instead. There are fewer crowds from the London Bridge station direction, so you could try there, too.

3) Can you walk amongst the poppies?
No, you can't get down there. Only VIPs like the Royal Family are seen doing that on TV (I zoomed in the path they'd probably take). I think that the impact is greater from above, since all the poppies really do seem to form a sea.

This has been quite a solemn post, and different from my usual style, but I wouldn't want to  miss out on including this in my blog.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis

Blackfriars Bridge

Yeah, so I'm just standing here with a dodgy line in facial hair.

It's okay, I haven't turned into a fascist, it's just windy.

Today Elfred was taking my photos, since, as a lovely treat, I decided to show him Blackfriars Bridge.

Well, what? Madame Tussauds, the London Eye and pretty much everywhere else costs money, and I'm not spending a penny on that horror of an elfling.

So Blackfriars Bridge it is.

It took 9,948 tries to get a picture of me without my hair blowing in front of my face. This is the best of them. Now it just looks like I'm sprouting strange vegetation from the top of my head.

'It's just so windy,' I apologised to Elfred, after I made him delete the 9,947th picture.

'I KNOW IT'S WINDY', the impatient elfing shouted, 'YOU'VE TOLD ME THIS A HUNDRED TIMES'.

You know what? This is the problem with the youth of today. They have such short fuses, and always want some new facts.

I did give him some, by the way. I'll even list them here, in case you and your elflings find yourself crossing the Thames at this point.

1. The bridge is 281m long.
2. Roberto Calvi's body was discovered swinging from one of the arches, with $14,000 in his pockets in 1982. The Mafia were suspected, but there wasn't enough evidence to convict anyone.
3. It used to be a toll bridge, but now it's free to cross, otherwise I wouldn't have bothered taking Elfred here.

Now, you're probably wondering what you're going to have for dinner tonight, and also why anyone would want to visit Blackfriars Bridge anyway.

For the first question, your partner informs me that unless you do your share of the washing up, you won't be getting ANYTHING.

As for the second, Blackfriars Bridge is situated close to St Paul's Cathedral (actually, if you look at the picture at the top of this post, you can see the dome of the cathedral in the top left-hand corner). If you're getting off at Blackfriars station anyway, it's well worth a look.

There's also a seating area on the bridge, equipped, as you can see, with a life belt in case you see any people drowning in the river. (You never know).

And it was here that Elfred and I sat down to eat our McDonald's.

With a money-off coupon.

Because I'm not spending money on that guy.

*Burp*

Do excuse me. It's just that these Big Macs are rather quite filling for an elf. I feel pretty bloated.

Oh my word.

I'm full of air.

Help!

I'm turning into a life belt!

PPPPPPAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP FFFFFFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Oh. Apologies for the smell.

'Ewwww!' squeals Elfred, 'it's so windy up here!'

'Honestly,' I say, 'stop repeating yourself'.

Best,

Elf Dryadalis

The British Library

Shut up.

'This elf has an attitude,' you sigh, 'I'll just click to the next blog.'

Noooooooooo! Waaaaaaaaait!

I assure you, avid readers, that I have a reason for such despicable rudeness.

I'm outside the British Library.

No, no, no, I'm not saying that if you're in the British Library you can be rude (oh, by the way, person with the double cream sodas, is your nose out of joint or were you just born that way?), just that you're meant to be quiet in a library, etc, etc.

Some people these days are just so sensitive.

This strange building, which kind of looks like an abandoned ski slope, is right next to King's Cross. That's right. Where Harry Potter gets the train to Hogwarts.

Isn't it fitting that a library should be right next to a setting for one of the greatest pieces of children's literature?

You could combine a visit to Platform 9 3/4 with a trip to the British Library - or, for the wizards amongst you, you could do your Muggle Studies homework before heading north for the new school term.

When you go in, don't be offended if someone asks you to open your bag. They're just checking in case you're bringing in things you really shouldn't be. Like large amounts of fake snow for the slopes.

Once you're in, there's a gift shop selling lots of lovely items for all the bookworms in your life, and usually a couple of exhibitions too. The one running until the 20th January 2015 is 'Terror and Wonder: the Gothic Imagination' which would be great for Halloween too. I'll even give you a link to their events page here.

'That's cute,' you say, 'but where are the books?'

The books, dear reader, are in the Reading Rooms. If you want to get into them, you've got to register for a pass, and then you can reference the collection (you can't take the books out).

And after a long day of studying, you can even go to their cafe, or play ping-pong (really) in the courtyard outside.

I'm going back inside for another dose of elf-literature.

See you soon,

Elf Dryadalis

Post boxes: Worth writing home about.

You roll your eyes. You shake you head. It's not happening.

But, oh yes, Elf Dryadalis has indeed given this posting the title: 'Post boxes: worth writing home about'.

But trust me. It's true.

In this day and age of electronic communication, it's so wonderful to receive a postcard from those whom you love, when they journey abroad to distant lands. Like this one I received earlier:

Dear Elf,

I'm thoroughly enjoying my beach holiday. It's so nice to be sitting here, enjoying the rays, knowing that you're probably caught up in a torrential downpour.

I know you're far away. But that's fine. I like you better that way.

Don't come here, 

Elfred

See how touching it is?

These great big red columns are still to be seen throughout London, and it's well worth getting the Red collection in your holiday snaps:

1) Red bus
2) Red telephone box
3) Red post box
4) Red road leading to Buckingham Palace (including the guards in red uniform)
5) Seeing red when Elfred sends you postcards

It's also a great stage for dancing on. If you're six inches tall like me, that is. Drunken revellers aren't usually so well-received.

The 'EIIR' sign beneath the crown symbol, by the way, is for the Queen. (Regina is Latin for Queen, and it's Elizabeth the second, or II, on the throne).

Now. Time to write a reply to Elfred.

This could get nasty.

Best wishes,

Elf Dryadalis

Diwali in London

Do you know where I went this weekend? Do you? DO YOU?

Of course you don't. I haven't told you.

'You know what?', you ask, exasperated, 'I don't really care. In fact, I am about to callously abandon you and you London wanderings by cruelly clicking on the 'next blog' button'.

But alas, my unthrilled reader, you would then miss out on the big surprise.

Last weekend, I went to the Diwali celebrations in London.

'I know that,' you reply, so exasperated that the people at the Oxford English Dictionary photocopy your face as the definition of the word 'exasperated', 'I read the title'.

But, my dear schnookums, you would not know that I went to Trafalgar Square to celebrate it.

And celebrate it I did.

There was dancing and singing on the main stage, and the Square was packed. I went dancing along too, but at the cries of my wife (something about 'aesthetic crimes' and 'insult to dancing') I cannot publish those pictures here.

So instead, here's me looking glorious in front of some stores. Previous visitors to my little corner of the internet will recognise the National Gallery in the background.

The stores were selling pretty much everything from jewels to food (not the two mixed together. Awful indigestion).

Do you want to visit as well? The Diwali celebrations are on again, next year, at Trafalgar Square, sometime between the 11th November and 15th November (probably the 14th and 15th, to fit in with the weekend).

See you then!

Elf Dryadalis

There's something not quite right about this building.

Aha! I thought I might be seeing you again.

Why do you keep looking to the left of the picture? Is there something wrong?

'Yes!', you all cry, hysterical. 'That building is FLOATING'.

Why, indeed it is. How fascinating.

The angle of this picture also looks like it's about to move sideways, like a giant diabolical piano, and take the tops of my ears off.

It is basically the apocalypse.

So there's only one thing for an intrepid elf like me: get in closer.

(Don't ask me why there's always a guy's head in the corner. I don't know. Maybe I should get a better photographer.)

Anyway, until Mario Testino comes to offer his services to me, we'll just grin and bear it.

The building behind me (or, at least, what's left of it) is a tourist magnet, as crowds of people flock towards this structure which probably roasts and toasts health and safety officers for a living.

Naturally, the logical thing to do in this instance would be to run. I had the great misfortune to watch 'Pompeii' during the summer, and if there's one thing I learned, it's to move away, not towards, any collapsing building.

Yeah, but then again, life's too short. And possibly about to get even shorter, if that column above gives way.

WELCOME TO LONDON. THIS IS WHAT THE ENTIRE CITY LOOKS LIKE INDOORS.

Heh.

Heh.

Heh.

Not really, honest!

You can't go inside the building (I mean, why would you want to?) but the interior is exposed, and you can stick your fancy camera into all the nooks and crannies. Then go home, and tell your family that this was the hotel you stayed in.

And be banned from travelling ever again.

By this point, you probably think I have bats for brains for going in so close. And so I must inform you of the truth.

My head is full of polyester stuffing, not bats.

Oh, and as for the building, it's actually an installation by Alex Chinneck, whom I shall not be hiring as an architect anytime soon. I mean, how exactly do you explain something like this to the surveyors? 'Oh, it's not really an extension, it's a sort of hovering attic, you know?'

It's modelled on the Marked Building in Covent Garden, which is where it is, and you can see it, free of charge, till the end of October. The installation is called, 'Take my lightning, but don't steal my thunder', which is just asking for trouble from the British weather.

I think I'll run back to the safety of four solid walls.

Best,

Elf Dryadalis